colorful notes

Shadows and Mother Teresa

2007-08-24T09:32:00.000-04:00

I haven't blogged in a very, very long time. But for those of you who still even check this, I found an absolutely fascinating article in TIME magazine.

Mother Teresa's crisis of faith revealed

Recent letters by Mother Teresa have been published in a book, revealing a tormented soul who almost constantly felt an absence of God in her life. She struggled often with personal faith, acheivement, and happiness.

I highly recommend reading this article.

Make your own demotivator!

2007-06-21T10:52:00.000-04:00

The day has finally arrived -- we can now make our own demotivational posters!

I'll try to post some if I start feeling creative. :)

light to dark; dark to light

2007-06-13T23:03:00.000-04:00

I ran across this quote, and have been thinking about it a bit. I thought that I'd share...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

-Marianne Williamson, from her book "A Return to Love"

What do you find to be funny?

2007-06-05T18:50:00.000-04:00

If there's one truth about grad school, it's that it definitely warps your sense of normalcy...if you had one to begin with. Here are two things that you'll find to be very funny if you've ever been in grad school:

1. A new gem of a PhD comic: humor in grad school

2. A snippet taken from the Best Visual Illusion of the Year website:

In a sense, the structure of modern science is itself a vast contest. Someday, all or most of the major scientific questions will be answered. Our job as scientists is to be the ones who discover the answers, and publish them, first.

Ah, too funny. :)

Perspectives

2007-06-03T21:38:00.000-04:00

A visit to my college's website this evening eventually led me to visit the "best visual illusion of the year contest" website. As a quasi cognitive scientist, I have attended many lectures on the perception of our visual system, but I have to admit that I wish that more of those lectures involved visual illusions -- they're so much fun!

Here's this year's first-place visual illusion winner: The Leaning Tower Illusion.

One of the ways that we can learn about how our visual system works is by finding out what we can do to trick it. In fact, a lot of the good studies in biology and psychology involve trickery. Perhaps that's why I am so intrigued by the research in those subjects. ;)

Marriage, music, and math!

2007-05-02T01:42:00.000-04:00

Well, I've been bad about blogging lately -- my apologies. In fact, I've blogged more for my friend Todd the Blogless than I have for myself! My lack of blogging is due to a couple of factors. First, it's been difficult to put my thoughts into words lately. And secondly, when I've actually been in a good writing mode, I've chosen to work on my thesis instead of posting to my blog. This is probably a good thing. :)

I'll post a few random thoughts for now:

-Marriage: Two of my good friends got married (to each other) this past Saturday. Congrats to the happy couple, who are now enjoying a sunny honeymoon in Disney World! I loved the wedding and I'm very happy for the couple, but it's an odd adjustment to think that they're actually married now. It reminds me that life moves along and, akin to my friend Tina's recent blog post, that we're actually growing up (or grown ups -- scary!).

- Music part 1: Bells is keeping me busy, as usual. We recently had our tour weekend, and I loved staying with host families both nights of the tour. The first host family had a cute golden retriever named Darby, and the second host family had two chihuahuas named Chico and Socks. Now we're gearing up for two concerts this coming weekend, and it feels good to be working towards a goal in a group. Honestly, I try to work towards goals (my dissertation, as a prime example) as an individual with some advice and support from others, but it's different and surprisingly pleasant to work towards goals WITH others. I love being a member of such a motivated and fun ensemble!

- Music part 2: Instead of buying new music, I've been enjoying listening to songs through YouTube/Google Video. I just search for the music video of the song I want to hear, listen to it, and don't have to spend a dime. My music choices of today have been quite eclectic: Carrie Underwood, the Casino Royale Bond theme music, music from "Night at the Roxbury", a Death Cab for Cutie song, and two of my favorite Coldplay songs: "Fix You" and "Low"

- Math (and turtles): I stumbled across this article that talks about mathematicians applying their work to turtles. I like it because it incorporates math, turtles, evolution, and sneaky/humorous mathematicians. :)

2+2 = 4 ... or does it?

2007-03-23T00:11:00.000-04:00

I love this news article from CNN.com: 'Lie group E8 math puzzle solved'

It's just so incredibly vague that it's funny. The poor journalist covering this story was probably like "uh, I give up...I'll just write something to make this breakthrough sound impressive."

I'm always told to be prepared to talk about my research at multiple different levels of complexity. I try to have a version for family reunions, for conversations with random people in elevators, for visiting professors in my department, and for scientific conferences that I attend. Apparently this group of mathematicians doesn't have a very good sound byte for the general public. Of course, it's probably much easier to develop this skill for biology than it is for symmetry groups.

Ah well -- I'm still amused.

My find of the evening

2007-03-11T23:57:00.000-04:00

Oooh -- I love this graphic. Bonus points to anyone who can decipher it. :)

Updates

2007-02-20T08:45:00.000-05:00

Ah yes, my blog. It's been awhile since I last posted, but I thought I'd say hello again. And since I haven't really formulated a coherent entry on any given topic, I'll just post random thoughts for the time being. :)

- I keep two main journals; one is a personal one and the other is a work-related one. I started them around the same time (a few years ago), and I recently noticed that their page counts are nearly identical - meaning that I've written about the same amount in both. I don't know whether or not to be disturbed by that. :)

- Life is often full of challenges. I'm realizing the value of just taking things one day at a time.

- I've been working on flipping my perspective on various issues...issues like how I use my time and how I react to things. It's been helping, and I'm encouraged to see some changes in myself.

- Indian food is delicious! On a related note, I've decided that I need to find a recipe for Madras curry (a coconut-based curry sauce).

- Handbells is going well this term. We're playing a few pieces that I'll grow to love, and the group is working hard and is crazy as usual. Last night we spent a lot of rehearsal time working on just trying to hit our plucking notes. This, of course, involved a lot of laughter. :)

- Tea time really is my favorite time of day. I drink either green or white tea in the morning, and I drink herbal (or at least non-caffeinated) tea in the evenings. Since I've recently expanded my tea collection, I now have a variety of teas to choose from each day. My favorite choices for the morning are: Orange Blossom White Tea, Authentic Green Tea, and Imperial White Peach White Tea. My favorite evening choices are: Sleepytime Tea, Chamomile Tea, Madagascar Red Vanilla Tea, and (before I ran out) Candy Cane Lane Green Tea. All of these are made by Celestial Seasonings, except for the Orange Blossom one, which is made by the Republic of Tea. I have several other types of tea, but these are my favorites...for now at least. If you have any favorite teas, I'd love to have some recommendations for the next time I'm out shopping for tea.

Carpe Diem

2007-01-14T23:46:00.000-05:00

Here's a really moving song (and accompanying moving music video). I'm a huge fan of the heavy sound of the band in this piece -- it brings out a lot of the emotion of the lyrics.

Avenged SevenFold's "Seize the Day"

E-mail tales

2007-01-14T15:04:00.000-05:00

I'm getting awfully sick of spam e-mails. And I normally view them as just a nuisance. But as I was glancing through my e-mail today and deleting the spam messages, the subject line of one of the messages actually made me laugh.

It read: "you my eukaryote"

(Unfortunately, the actual message didn't expand on that theme. It was just another advertisement for top quality replica watches.)

Peace and break-ups

2007-01-12T10:40:00.000-05:00

First, peace. I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with Finlandia, a symphonic poem by the Finnish composer Jean Sibelius. The piece is one of my favorite classical pieces, in part because it contains a beautiful hymn section. Over the years people have written lyrics set to this hymn. My favorite classical music blog recently alerted me to particularly moving lyrics (by Lloyd Stone):

This is my song,
Oh God of all the nations,
A song of peace for lands afar and mine.
This is my home,
the country where my heart is;
Here are my hopes, my dreams, my sacred shrine.
But other hearts in other lands are beating,
With hopes and dreams as true and high as mine.

My country's skies are bluer than the ocean,
And sunlight beams on cloverleaf and pine.
But other lands have sunlight too and clover,
And skies are everywhere as blue as mine.
Oh hear my song, oh God of all the nations,
A song of peace for their land and for mine.

And on that note (heehee), on to break-ups. Check out this hilarious blog post: Break-ups according to theology. You'll laugh, I promise. The comments are hilarious too. :)

Occupation of time

2006-12-28T01:10:00.000-05:00

What have I been doing during my time off this holiday season? The answer: all but two of the following activities. You get to guess which two haven't been part of my life recently. The answers may surprise you. :)

- playing with dogs
- playing handbells
- working
- indulging my inner chocoholic
- having leftover cake for breakfast
- visiting distant relatives
- learning to play the accordian
- battling friends and family in mario kart
- getting along with my brother
- seeing friends from high school
- reading for fun
- taking advantage of post-holiday sales

Christmas 2006

2006-12-24T21:24:00.000-05:00

(I stole this holiday cartoon idea from Yi -- thanks Yi!)

As I pause to reflect on this past year and wonder about what the coming year might bring, my family and friends come to mind all the time. I am so thankful for all of you.

Merry Christmas!

Handbell Wizards in Winter!

2006-12-15T11:55:00.000-05:00

This is the coolest video ever: my bell group performing the Transiberian Orchestra's Wizards in Winter!

To view the video on YouTube, click here. Enjoy the show!

Nerd mania

2006-11-30T08:55:00.000-05:00

Time for more hilarious Onion articles:

Evolution: Kansas Outlaws Practice of Evolution

Astronomy: I'm Going to be a Star

Physics: Caltech Physists Successfully Split the Bill

Picture the day...

2006-11-19T13:21:00.000-05:00

As of yesterday, I have 30 pictures in my (ongoing) picture of the day project.

My main goal has been to take a picture that, for me, would capture an event/mood/thought that I experienced during the day. For the most part, I'm pleased with the results. There are many pics in there that I feel are perfect representations (either literal or symbolic) of their particular day, and a few others that I snapped hastily just to satisfy the pic a day requirement. But I am enjoying this project so far.

Looking back through the 30 pictures, I can vividly recall something about each of those days -- and that ability is both different and pleasant. And snapping a pic is a lot quicker than writing, though I try to keep up with that too.

If you want to see the pics so far, let me know and I'll send you the link to where they're posted. I'll be uploading new pictures about once every week or so.

More school?!?

2006-11-08T08:41:00.000-05:00

You might think that I'd be ready to be done with school by this point in my life. I thought so too...until I read this article about offbeat schools.

It's nice to know that there are places to go if I want to learn new and fun skills. Although, sometimes it seems more necessary for me to learn old and practical skills...but that wouldn't be as amusing, I suppose.

Anyway, among the offbeat schools, I definitely have a first pick. ;)

Debatable debate: Dawkins and Collins

2006-11-05T18:54:00.000-05:00

What happens when you cross two biologists -- one a staunch athiest and the other an evangelical Christian? You can find out by reading the cover story in this week's TIME magazine, which might more appropriately be called "Dawkins vs. Collins."

The debate is at times provoking and amusing; harsh and congenial; compelling and annoying. I have qualms about some of the article's content, but I'll save my opinions and let you form your own.

To read the entire cover story, go here. You can read the whole article without subscribing to TIME; you just need to agree to watch a brief advertisement first.

Yeah man!

2006-10-31T08:59:00.000-05:00

The music curriculum at my (former) high school now includes a new course: the Rock Ensemble.

In the Rock Ensemble, students learn scales and techniques commonly used in rock music. Students pair into smaller groups with other students who are at a similar musical level, and work together to improve musicianship. An article that I read about the class states "...Rock Ensemble is a useful stepping stone to learn to play with others and improve music style. The class plays hard rock songs from bands such as Black Sabbath." Not surprisingly, the class seems to be pretty popular among the students -- there are about 30 students enrolled this semester.

I think that anyone who went to my high school will immediately be able to guess the teacher in charge of this course: that's right, none other than our groovy orchestra director. Yeah man! ;)

The music curriculum at my high school has always rocked, but now it literally rocks! More than anything, I'll venture a guess that this class helps bridge the gap that has always existed between the rock-bandish-type students and the symphonic/orchestral students. Maybe now the more classically trained musicians at the school will actually recognize some of the people that participate in battle of the bands!

All I have to say is: rock on!

In God We Trust?

2006-10-29T18:42:00.000-05:00

While searching the web this evening, I stumbled across Amazon's bestseller list. It turns out that the #2 bestseller is Richard Dawkins's new book, The God Delusion. On the NY Times bestseller list, it is currently the #8 bestseller. For the NY Times book review, go here.

I can't really comment because I haven't read the book yet. Yes, I say yet -- I am planning on reading it. I'm pretty intrigued by the concept of the book and the arguments that Dawkins seems to be putting forth.

And I can't get over the overwhelming amount of reviews and comments that this book has generated on the Amazon site. If you read some of the reviews and their accompanying scathing comments, you get the sense that this is an all-out war. Truthfully, it's sortof scary...but I find it to be mostly sad.

The book's existence reminds me, for the seemingly zillioninth time this week, that both religion and science think they have a lot to say about the other. Consequently, when they clash, they really clash -- and I'm never sure quite what the clashing accomplishes for either of the two.

If you're sick of the clashing between science and religion, I recommend checking out the following books -- if for no other reason than to give you a sense that religion and science don't have to be (shouldn't be?) at odds. Admittedly, I am biased. :)

The Language of God: A Scientist Presents Evidence for Belief
by Francis Collins
Finding Darwin's God
by Kenneth R. Miller
The Creation: An Appeal to Save Life on Earth
by E.O. Wilson (my academic great-grandfather!)

But back to The God Delusion...it will be interesting to see additional reactions that the book generates. And it will be even more interesting to see whether Dawkins -- who labels himself as a 6 out of 7 on the "I'm sure God doesn't exist" scale -- ever changes his mind.

Efficient wisdom

2006-10-26T08:36:00.000-04:00

Some really powerful quotes that I have run across in the past week:

In honor of hope:

"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible."
~St. Francis of Assisi

In honor of procrastination:

"The era of procrastination, of half-measures, of soothing and baffling expedients, of delays, is coming to a close. In its place, we are entering a period of consequences."
~Winston Churchill

In honor of politics:

"It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on his not understanding it."
~Upton Sinclair

In honor of singlehood: (Background story: my brother, for years, has insisted that he can't wait until I get married because he wants to pull "the biggest prank EVER" on me on my wedding day)

"You go make my dream come true."
~My brother

Georgia on my mind

2006-10-20T16:35:00.000-04:00

I'm currently making travel plans to go visit some relatives later this year, and I'm excited. How long has it been since I've seen these family members? Well...too long, honestly. It seems that we only get together for funerals and (some) weddings. It'll be nice to just visit with them -- just a regular visit, like people do. And it'll be great to see my cousins again, many of whom are going through the always-interesting process called College. Plus, I'm definitely up for a trip to Georgia during the winter. :)

Besides that, I've been toying around with a new project idea: taking one picture every day for a year. Thanks to Tina for the idea/link. I plan to start sometime this weekend (gotta change the batteries in my currently s-l-o-w digital camera first). I'm hoping that this project will help me accomplish the following: pyschologically tricking myself into being mindful of the passage of time, capturing events without me having to necessarily write about them in my journal (a picture says 1000 words, right?), and being more aware of the beauty/detail in my life each day.

Photography is an art; life is an art. Combining the two will definitely be an art.

Two for one, and, how cool is your job?

2006-10-12T10:49:00.000-04:00

This morning, snow was falling as I walked across campus to my building. It was a light and powdery snow with fairly large flakes -- the perfect type of snow for a morning walk. It fell onto green grass and brightly colored trees, creating a light white dusting on the gold, orange, and maroon leaves. Apparently winter has come to visit, but autumn is still going strong. It felt like we were getting the best of both seasons.

Here's an amusing side note: one of my compsci friends has a theory that I thought some of you might enjoy. The theory is that any academic discipline can be rated along a "coolness" scale where a discipline receives a higher ranking as the potential for that discipline to be the career choice of an evil villian in a movie/comic book rises. This scale shifts over the years as people adjust their fears about the future.

So, for example, computer scientist? Definite potential for a villian's career...if you're going the robotics/AI route. Geologist? Not so much...at least yet. Nuclear physicist? Uh, yeah. According to this scale, nuclear physics is currently cooler than computer science, which is cooler than geology. To my librarian friends, I apologize on behalf of this ranking system.

For now at least, the scale doesn't allow for my discipline to be ranked at its full potential. But just wait until I obtain funding to train killer bees...:)

Marching through time

2006-10-05T08:43:00.000-04:00

I feel like a scummy person...I've been cheating on my own blog! That is to say, lately I've posted more on another person's blog lately than I have on my own. That blog is actually a non-blog for a friend who stubbornly won't create his own blog...so we simply created one for him. :) It's a silly silly blog, but that makes it extra fun.

And for some reason, it's been easier for me to think of posts for that blog than for my own. But alas, time to give my blog some much-needed attention and devotion.

Some random thoughts:

- My awesome roomie and I went to a marching band exhibition last night. Yay for seeing hoards of people that support music and their kids. And yay for watching drumlines (including the Spartan drumline!) do their thang.

- It's difficult for me to focus on only one thing at a time. But it's something that I'm (slowly) working at, with the hope that the skill will come in handy.

- In an effort to create my ideal office space, I bought a chessboard for my office. Who's up for chess via email? ;) Um,occasionally, that is. Next priority item: a marimba! ;)

Sticking with the light theme...

2006-09-19T11:18:00.000-04:00

Remember the Christmas lights video from last year? You know, the one of the decorated (um, $10,000 of Christmas lights "decorated") house with the display rigged to crazy music?

Heehee -- our handbell ensemble is going to play the music from that video! I didn't even know this before last night, but the music is "Wizards in Winter" by the Trans Siberian Orchestra.

And I was greatly amused to see a picture of the Christmas lights house on the cover of the sheet music. :)

In other news, a full game of Doppelkopf takes quite awhile. Remind me to not let friends convince me to do that on a monday night (after bell rehearsal!) ever again. Except that it was so much fun. :)

Lamps vs. Lasers

2006-09-19T10:29:00.000-04:00

Ack. I'm having one of those weeks where I constantly have thoughts zipping and tumbling inside my head. They dart and dash about, play leapfrog, spin in circles around each other, and then vanish -- only to return later with even more vigor.

I'm not trying to be vague here -- honestly, I can't even really begin to describe in words what the thoughts are, how they came about, or where they're heading. But *splat!* -- here they are.

Ever feel like you're suddenly brimming with mental energy, and you just *know* that it would have to result in something totally and completely awesome in your life if you could just channel it all into one area of focus?

That's how I feel right now. It's frustrating, mysterious, and somehow invigorating.

Trumped!

2006-09-15T11:37:00.000-04:00

Well, it's official -- Doppelkopf fever is sweeping the nation. Okay, maybe not the nation...but my small world, which counts as an odd sort of nation to me. A very odd one indeed.

Doppelkopf is this fantastic card game that I've been playing with friends for a few years, and it hasn't really gotten old. It's a four-player trick-taking game, and what makes it particularly exciting and fun is the way that partners are determined each round: by (in most cases) the cards they hold in their hands. You can read through wikipedia's rules/summary for details, but what this means is when you start playing each round, you don't know who your partner is yet -- and you have to figure it out based on clues/calls/cards as the game progresses. If you are reading the rules page, we play Doppelkopf with all of these variants: Dullen, Foxes, Charlie, and...Doppelkopf! We also include a variant (apparently not listed?) where the aces of diamonds count as special cards -- if one team "captures" an ace of diamonds belonging to the opposing team, it's an extra game point for the former team. Additionally, there are special calls that can be made when a player starts the game with both aces of diamonds (they become the highest trump in that case), and when an additional player then has both nines of diamonds (in which case THEY become the highest trump).

EDIT: Here's an awesome summary of the rules we use in our Doppelkopf games -- thanks goes to Carlos for the detailed and organized webpage.

Anyway, I absolutely love that game. Here are other strategy games I really enjoy, in approximate descending order (the order will change slightly almost weekly). Thanks to the game night crowd for introducing me to most of these!

- Princes of Florence (especially when I get to build the mathematician or bell maker, but not when I have to bid 22oo florens for a stupid forest in the last round!) ;)
- Clue: Master Detective (1 + 1 + 2 + 1...)
- Goa (learning slowly, but already love it! I like spending my game-money on pumpkin pie spices) :)
- Settlers of Catan (plus variants: Cities & Knights and Seafarers)
- Ra (Rah for Ra!)
- St. Petersburg (I like trying to beat certain people at this game...)
- Citadels (I both enjoy and am driven nuts by the psychologial aspect of trying to guess what roles others will choose each round)
- Tigris and Euphrates (I still have no clue what I'm doing in this game, but I like the spatial aspect of it)
- Suicide spades (except when I have a null hand + the ace of spades)
- Traders of Genoa and Caylus (both are very complex and fun, but both are very long)

What are your favorite board or card games?

Quiet mornings

2006-08-31T09:57:00.000-04:00

Well, after a long summer, a fun excusion out east for a couple of weeks, and some craziness, I'm back in my office more frequently. I plan on enjoying the peacefulness here in the morning as the sun shines in through the east-facing window and casts a glow of morning light on my skin.

Wait, the sun?!? Yep, it's shining today, for which I'm pretty thankful.

I've realized that I'm thankful for a lot of things lately. It's that sentimental type of thankfulness -- the type that emerges almost unexpectedly when you experience a rare and brief moment of clarity about life. Okay, it's not like I'm clear about life at all, but I've felt for moments that somehow the broad scope of life -- all its pains and joys all bundled up together -- has been reeled in, glimpsed, and just as quickly cast out again. And here I sit, wondering if there will ever be another tug at the line.

Yep, definitely sentimental. But onto more interesting (and random) things...

- Handbells. This season is going to rock. Among other pieces, we're going to be playing Blue Christmas, Sleigh Ride, Transiberian Orchestra's Christmas Eve/Sarejevo, and...In the Hall of the Mountain King! I'm particularly excited for the last two. Of the former, I have memories of decorating Newman House (at my college) for Christmas. Of the latter, I have memories of running crazily around my living room with my golden retriever and my brother while acting out the music. Hey, we were kids. And it's already been established that I'm a nerd. The music is going to be challenging. I've already identified a few tongue-twisting passages for my arms (arm-twisting passages?). But it'll be well worth it in the end if we can pull everything together.

- Finances. From doing some financial research and reading lately, I've come across two interesting articles. One is about couples (particularly older couples who have already accumlated lots of kitchen and living-type stuff by the time they get married) creating charity registries for their wedding. The other is a mini-biography of John Templeton, a investment wizard who uses his accumlated money for rewarding philanthropy in the areas of religion and science. I find all of this interesting. I want to read more about the Templeton prize, and perhaps I'll blog about it sometime. For me, it brings to mind interesting questions about the nature of helping, what constitutes progress in the religious and scientific domains, and interreligious thought and collaboration.

- A disgruntled hookworm. This article is courtesy of the Onion, and it documents the frustrations of a parasite that is unsatisfied with its human host. It's hilarious.

Drumming up some memories

2006-07-13T18:30:00.000-04:00

Today I will try to briefly explain the story behind one of my obsessions: hawaiian shirts.

Those of you who know me know that I am obsessed with hawaiian shirts. They are happy, happy shirts. However, contrary to popular belief, I wasn't born with a hawaiian shirt obsession. It developed way back in my senior year of high school.

In the fall of my senior year of high school, I was busy. Busy with classes, busy with activities (band and handbells, mostly), and busy stressing over college-related decisions. Music, as it still does today, gave me a chance to destress (hitting things...er, drums...is very enjoyable) and a good excuse to spend time lots of time with my friends (most of whom were in the band).

Our percussion rank that year was interesting as always. We were an odd bunch; nerds and "cool" people and some dorks, all thrown together and trying to play as a unit. We weren't all the best of friends (though there were some very close friendships within the rank), but we managed to have some good times together.

One of those good times was spurred on by the upcoming annual halloween parade. Every rank chose a theme and dressed in costume (there were some interesting choices over the years), and our percussion rank needed a theme. Being a percussion rank, too, we wanted to be cool -- after all, we had a reputation to uphold. ;) As a brief tangent, we had been pirates the year beforehand, and "distinguished English gentlemen" (the outfit consisting of bathrobes and bubble pipes and drawn-on mustaches...even for the gals) the year before that. Yes, very random. I think I've gained part of my sometimes-bizzare sense of humor from that group. :)

So after some discussion, we decided on a hawaiian theme. We all took a saturday afternoon to wander around town together and find hawaiian shirts. I remember ending up in this very random hippie-like store in State College -- the entire place reeked of incense! We bought our shirts, wore them to school the day of the parade (I think that's the most I've ever stood out, clothing-wise, in high school...I've become a bit more bold since then), and marched that evening. We went all out -- sunglasses, grass skirts for the gals, flowers in our hair (even for the guys!), and leis...and we even decorated our drums with bright streamers. It was a fabulous night.

My parents took a picture of us that evening, and that picture has become one of my most favorite pictures from all of high school. We enlarged the picture and hung it up in the percussion corner of the band room, where it remained for years (it was still there when my brother graduated high school in 2004)...along with other random percussion people paraphenalia from over the years.

There have been many great hawaiian shirt moments since high school (most recently 2 weeks ago when I saw my priest wearing a hawaiian shirt to a local restaurant). It's fun to think that this all started with a really fun and random group of people, way back a long time ago.

Do any of you SC people remember other parts of that story? Sadly, some of the details have become fuzzy. We have to keep these fun memories alive. :)

Devotion

2006-07-09T21:18:00.000-04:00

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
~Thomas Edison

Maybe I've just been realistic (as opposed to optimistic) lately. Maybe stress is getting to me. Maybe it's mutant yargh. But whatever it is, the result is that I'm starting to key in on just how much of life is comprised of failure...and how easy it is to forget that.

This line of thinking stemmed from...well, numerous actual events, but most recently from an article that I was reading. The article, geared toward incoming MIT AI graduate students (random, I know), discussed the often devastating toll that even brief moments of failure can have on future progress and motivation. But these failures, the article stressed, are surprisingly common...for everyone.

Duh, you're saying. Everyone fails occasionally or eventually. Well, yes, probably. But how often do we see this?

After all, we display our successes to society. Concerts (the product of long and difficult rehearsals, during which many mistakes are made). Weddings (how many ex's does each have? How many heartaches did each experience before finding Mr./Ms. Right?). Published novels and research articles (How many drafts? How many rejections? How many failed experiments before locking into the "good" one?).

I'm not saying that we should always display our mistakes for the world to see. But it is often said that we grow by our failures, not by our successes. If our failures turn out (way later) to be such good learning experiences, why are we all so reluctant to share our shortcomings and difficulties?

I wonder how good old Tommy Edison felt when he first articulated that quote. Was he matter-of-fact? Sarcastic? Concealing a smile? However he felt, I long to share his simplistic view.

In the meantime, it's all about Romans 5:3-5.

Nested thoughts

2006-07-01T13:30:00.000-04:00

So t-minus a few hours until my parents arrive in town for the weekend (yay!). Since I've felt waaaay too scatterbrained recently to write on any given topic for an extended period of time, here are some random thoughts that have been floating around inside my head:

- I think that metaconversations are fantastic. A metaconversation is essentially a conversation about a conversation -- something like "when the group conversation turned to this one subject, I was thinking that I'd like to steer it back to the original topic, but I never had the chance. What did you think about the discussion?" I've had several metaconversations recently and I've really grown to appreciate them and the many opportunities for open and honest sharing that they provide.

- I'm getting a new bike! Okay, it's actually a new used bike...but it's one that actually fits me. It even has some shocks so that I can go trail riding without feeling every single root and stone that I ride over.

- My favorite cards in the game Apples to Apples are the following: festering wound, friction, the common loon, angry hornets, and black hole. If you play one of those cards, I won't necessarily pick it, but I'll certainly be tempted. :)

- It took me awhile to figure out why I've felt like my week has been incomplete. But I think I've figured it out now. See, one of my friends has toyed with the idea of blogging about why geishas are more relaxing than attending church. So on monday, I excitedly check his blog. Nothing. Tuesday, nothing. Certainly by wednesday...but no. And here it is, saturday, and he still doesn't have a post written. I think I can make it through the weekend, but it's gonna be tough. Can someone please hand me a tissue?

- I am really quite a lazy person. When friends drag me out to do something active, I'm all over it. But when I'm by myself...well, that's a different story. Sometimes I'm pretty good at being active, and sometimes I'm not. I have to work on being more self-motivated. My goodness, I thought that I had enough of that to do what with being in grad school and all. But the most recent result of motivated friends was a fun game of ultimate frisbee -- yay. :)

- My math nerdiness has been rearing its ugly head lately -- due to a combination of factors. I'm a little wary of how much I want to nurture the beast (this is a different beast than Ghengis, fyi), but here's a warning in advance that I might try to post life-mathematical thoughts sometime soon.

- It's difficult to strike a balance between meeting/getting to know new people and continuing to get to know people with whom I have an established relationship. I wonder if I'll ever get to a point in life when I just don't want to know any more people. I hope I don't -- I think that would be sad.

- When I started writing this, I felt like I had many more random thoughts...oh well. Happy July!

Optic flow

2006-06-22T18:48:00.000-04:00

I've felt like a passenger sitting in the car of life lately. I look out the window and stare at the scenery, and I have to wonder where the car is going.

Lately though I've not been questioning the destination so much -- if I'm in a car, I figure that it has to be going somewhere. And that's...okay. But as I look out the window, I have to be amazed at the wonders of the human eye as it gauges distance travelled. You look at trees far along the horizon, and you feel like you're moving along SO slowly. But then you switch to looking at trees right along the road, and you feel like you're zooming along at warp speed.

So which is it? A turtle's pace or warp speed? I don't know -- but I guess I can't keep looking out the window wondering these things. There are people in the car to talk with. And there's a driver that I have to stay in touch with, because He is ultimately in control anyway.

Ideals

2006-06-11T21:30:00.000-04:00

Hm, combine the fact that I'm human with the fact that I used to be a math major. The result is that I like for things to be tangible, well-defined, and logical.

Or, in other words, exactly opposite to how life usually operates.

The past couple of weeks, for who knows why, I've had trouble feeling and sensing God's presence around me. It seems ridiculous because I've had some really good experiences, and I've witnessed people working for God and for others. But still, I feel frustrated. I want God to be more tangible, and I want His creation (including me) to act in more logical and loving ways.

In Mass today, we sang a song that usually doesn't do much for me because I don't really like the melody. But today the lyrics really stuck out and challenged me. In particular, the following line terrified me:

(God speaking): "Will you let me answer prayer in you?"

That question, for me at least, is really challenging. Will I let God use me to help answer the prayers of others? What are those prayers? How much initiative should I take in this process -- do I wait for God to hit me over the head or do I consistently and willingly give to others? When something hurts, could it be because I'm more focused on what I want than what God wants? How am I letting God answer prayer in me when I act selfishly? When I hole up and hide from the world? When I find excuses to not participate in whatever activity God might be calling me to do?

Yes, this entry is a bit choppy. Somehow these points seem very connected in my mind, but I can't really articulate it very well right now.

To bee or not to bee...creative

2006-06-06T16:39:00.000-04:00

So this is going to sound like a very silly request, but I thought I'd try anyway.

I'm not going to go into depth about my research project on my blog, but one of my research goals this summer is to compare some decisions of honeybee colonies that experience a period of good foraging weather to the decisions of honeybee colonies that experience a prolonged period of bad (rainy) weather. To induce a prolonged period of bad weather, I've constructed a device to make colonies think that it's raining (without having to use a sprinkler and tons and tons of water).

This device is basically a circulating pump system that showers water onto the entrance of a hive, collects the water in a tray underneath the hive, and recirculates the water via a small fountain pump from Home Depot. The bees won't come out of the hive when they think that it's "raining" like this. I've plugged the pump into an outdoor timer, so that the rain will automatically begin at early in the morning and continue until a set time in the evening.

I'm not the first person to do crazy things like this to a bee hive/colony. A professor on my committee has used a sprinkler in some previous research, and a research group in Europe has constructed a device like this for an observation hive. In their papers, they refer to their device as a "rain machine." My device/system is a bit different because it is meant to fit regular-sized colonies out in a bee yard.

So here's my silly request: I want to give a name to my "rain machine" -- just a way to refer to it in presentations, mainly. I could just call it a "rain machine," but I'd like to get something a bit more creative (but still informative) going. My advisor even mentioned that I should have an acronym contest. ;)

So yeah...here's a try at that. :)

The name for the device doesn't have to be an acronym, but it might make things more interesting. :) Keywords might include things like: individual hive, individual colony, bad weather, rain, shower, honeybees, Apis mellifera, etc. I'm looking for a name that's informative, creative, and perhaps intuitive. Bonus points for being (beeing?) corny, too -- I'm a big fan of nerdy humor, as you all should know by now. I accept suggestions via blog or e-mail. I'll be trying to think of something too.

The winner gets...hm. Respect? Nah. Coauthorship on a manuscript? Nah. Ice cream? Now that's a possibility. :)

Thanks in advance for some professional silliness!

Gateway to the past

2006-06-03T01:10:00.000-04:00

Ooooh, music and dancing. If either of those interest you, check out this absolutely awesome video. It's 6 minutes long, but I guarantee you'll want to watch the entire thing -- it's great!

Courtesy of the Kiwi, may I present: Evolution of Dance

Providing for others while they provide for you

2006-06-01T23:45:00.000-04:00

'Tis the season...for potlucks! I am attending three potlucks in three days this week, which makes me very happy. Things I like about potlucks:

- Everyone brings some type of food, and thus everyone contributes to the meal (usually about equally). I very much like the idea of a meal experience emerging from the work, traditions, and creativity of individual people. And the nerdy side of me likes drawing symbolic parallels between that and other areas of life, such as marriage and the Church community.

- Potlucks often give me good recipe ideas. Sometimes I ask people for their recipe, or sometimes I just come away thinking of good food combinations that I might want to try in the future (raspberries and pineapple together, for example).

- Potlucks provide a great excuse to try a new recipe for an appetizer or dessert.

- I almost inevitably go searching for interesting recipe ideas before I decide on what to make. This means that I get to search for recipes online or go sorting through the earmarked pages of my absolute favorite magazine, Cooking Light. Yes, I find this to be a fun process. :)

- Potlucks usually have lots and lots of food. I like lots and lots of food. Therefore, I like potlucks.

- Potlucks are fairly economical. You might spend as much as $5-10 on a dish to pass, but you have flexibility on the amount you spend (usually, you choose the recipe to make anyway), and in return you get a multiple-course, all-you-can-eat meal, and a fun time with friends. It's way better than going to a restaurant, and cheaper overall too. And I've never come away from a potluck hungry. :)

- Potlucks usually involve some other good group activities, like good conversations, outdoor fun and sports, or the celebration of an event. Two of my friends had a potluck reception at their wedding, and it was an absolutely fantastic experience. All of the guests loved contributing to the special day, and it made for a very personalized reception.

- A good potluck is not an exclusive event; since the food merely grows with each additional attendee, there's often a "the more the merrier" attitude. As a result, potlucks are a great opportunity to meet new people -- especially friends of friends or the family of friends.

It's all about the title

2006-05-30T23:08:00.000-04:00

I can't resist posting the results of this quiz...not really for the results as much as for the quiz itself (it ties into a running joke with a few friends). :)

Some comments:
1. These don't seem to be "keys" so much as vague statements about...stuff.
2. Hm, yeah...I disagree with several of these statements. I won't tell you which ones though. :)
3. I can't figure out how this quiz works. One minute I'm answering questions about animals (which I'd like to be, which I'd have as a pet if I could tame all animals, etc.) and then magically the quiz gives me these statements about "my" life. Interesting. Makes me wonder what would have happened if I had chosen cat rather than pigeon, etc. Oh well.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Along for the ride

2006-05-23T13:38:00.000-04:00

Sometimes my friends come quite close to reading my mind (which should be scary to them). This morning, during my morning blog-checking routine, I found this quote written by one of my friends:

"It's just--three years ago, who of us would have anticipated our lives as being where they are now?"

Exactly...that's exactly how I feel sometimes. I'm not complaining; I'm actually pretty happy with where my life is right now, though I see lots of room for improvement.

My friend's quote reminds me of conversations that I've had with my Dad about the craziness that is life as a twenty-something-year-old. He repeatedly encourages me to enjoy the unpredictability and uncertainty inherent at this stage of life. "One day," he says, "you'll wake up and realize that you've been doing the same thing for years, and will be doing the same thing for years, and you'll miss the thrill of not having any clue of where life is going."

Hm. I'm starting to see where he's coming from. It's nice...until I decide that I can't stand not having answers again. :)

Office space

2006-05-17T14:27:00.000-04:00

When I’m a professor and have my own office, these are things that I want to have in the office:

Lots of honey for my morning tea
A comfy, spinny chair
An east or south-facing window
A cd player/radio with good speakers (my bro can help with that)
My cd collection
Pictures of family and friends
A chess set – I’ll be playing a long-term chess game with some other nerd in my department
A golden retriever
Plants/flowers
A huge whiteboard and lots of colorful markers
A papasan chair for students to use when they come in for office hours
A view of a pretty area of campus
A marimba and/or vibraphone and/or digital piano
A trampoline
One of those huge exercise ball things
A water gun (fully loaded, of course)
A drawer devoted to holding a candy stash (my Dad seriously has one of these in his office!)

Yeah…I’ll get lots of work done, won’t I? :)

Muscle memory

2006-05-11T16:29:00.000-04:00

After rehearsing music at a certain tempo for a long period of time, I develop a strong "muscle memory," whereby I play my best (and almost mindlessly) at the rehearsed tempo. I don't even really notice that muscle memory has kicked in until I try to play the same piece at a different tempo -- and find myself having tremendous difficulty! Suddenly I have to think really really hard about how to make my hands or fingers move, how to lock into the downbeats, and how to subdivide accurately. When this happens in an ensemble setting, here are some of my immediate reactions:

- watch the director (a LOT more than usual).
- listen carefully to the sound being created by the other players (again, more than usual)
- grumble that the tempo isn't what I'm used to (except in rare cases when the tempo is the speed that I've wanted to take the piece all along -- which is usually waaaaay fast for already fast songs *cough* Tempest *cough*)

In other words, I look for guidance, I become more aware of what's going on around me, and I complain. Two of these seem good, and one seems...well, like something that I should work on. :)

I think that I have similar reactions when some of my routines and habits in life are disrupted somehow. And regardless of whether things in my life seem to be going well or unwell, there's nothing like a surprise in the opposite direction to throw me off completely. This suggests that I've developed something akin to muscle memory for my life. Or it suggests that I'm carrying an analogy too far, but I'd never do that. Heehee. ;)

Anyway, muscle memory can be advantageous if you've learned how to play the piece correctly. Similarly, I think that a life muscle memory can be good if you've developed good habits and reactions to events. But if you haven't developed good habits, muscle memory means that you're going through life sort of mindlessly reacting to events in ways that might not be good or "optimal." I sometimes get the sense that God uses jarring experiences to get me to think critically about how I respond to events, and so that I can learn to develop good and healthy habits instead of falling into routines that merely allow me to get by.

Waiting game

2006-05-04T18:50:00.000-04:00

Opportunity.

Have you ever thought about all of the opportunities that you've been given in life? How about all of the people - however close or random - who have given you those opportunities?

Then do you ever consider the opportunities that you've given to others?

Sometimes I have trouble comparing those two at once, because I often find myself astonished by the generosity I've received and taken aback by the lack of generosity that I've bestowed. Well, that's not true. It's just that some opportunities appear to be bigger or more important than others. And often I just feel like I haven't given large-scale opportunities to others because...hehe...I haven't had the opportunity to do so yet. Hehe...he.

I mean, it's not like I'm the owner of a major company and can offer jobs to the homeless. It's not like I've won the lottery and can buy a mansion for each of my friends (and ahem, if I ever win the lottery, don't automatically expect a mansion from me. I'm just using it as an example here). :)

But then again, opportunity is relative. Sometimes a person really needs a listening ear -- and I should recognize that I might have the chance to help. Sometimes a person needs someone to lean on when they're in a scary and uncomfortable environment -- and I should be willing to drag myself out of my world to come to their aid, even if I'm spiraling out of control with my own issues (Anne and Yi, that last convoluted sentence was for you - I hope that you appreciate it!).

The opportunities that I've received over the past few months have ranged from small to large, and from friendly to professional. The sources behind these opportunities range from almost strangers to acquantainces to good friends and close family. I need to remind myself that I too can bring opportunites to others.

To all of you, who have ever given me any opportunity (especially the chance to know you through friendship), I say thank you. I'm just feeling so grateful for all of it this week.

Pinnacle?

2006-05-03T08:43:00.000-04:00

A few more random thoughts. For some reason lately, most of my thoughts seem to be random. But that's okay, especially because most of these are purely silly random thoughts. :)

- I still occasionally miss college, but what spurs that reaction is different almost every time. Yesterday, I grabbed the mini-whiteboard that I keep in my office desk so that I could sketch out some research ideas. That whiteboard was the very one that I hung on my dorm room in all four years at college. Seeing it again made me miss the random (and sometimes hilariously bizzare) notes that friends would leave for me after a long day out at classes and activities.

- The flowery trees on campus are in full bloom. Whenever I go out for a walk, I'm almost overwhelmed by the fragrance. It's pretty nice. :)

- For my geeky friends: An Automatic CS Paper Generator. I wish that writing a paper were that easy!

- Curiosity overwhelmed me yesterday, and I finally looked up the lyrics to the chorus (O Fortuna) of Carl Orff's Carmina Burana. O Fortuna is that powerful song that's played in the backgroud of many battle scenes in movies. Anyway, I was surprised by the dark nature of the lyrics. I can imagine them being spoken by a warlord. :) Apparently the Trans-Siberian Orchestra has done a heavy metal/rock version of O Fortuna -- I need to find and listen to a copy of that.

- When I act uncharacteristically, I can't decide if it's good or bad.

- I'm finally having my brain scanned! :) Some of you might claim that this is long overdue. But yep, a researcher on my hall is running an fMRI study, and I volunteered to participate. I'm curious to see if I'll feel freaked out by the fMRI machine...guess I'll find out later today.

- Trying to walk at a steady pace while humming a song with a 7/8 time signature just doesn't work well. :)

When everything's made to be broken...

2006-04-25T08:51:00.000-04:00

One week ago today, Dad and I ate lunch together (yum, sushi). When the subject of disappointment came up, he commented: "You know, what disappointment does is allow a person to really understand what it was that he wanted all along. With that understanding, a person has a choice: he can either become bitter because he didn't get what he wanted, or he can recognize what it is he wanted and go after it."

I am trying desperately to hold onto that quote. It reminds me that we have, at some level, a choice between bitterness and hope; a choice between giving up on our dreams and pursuing our dreams; a choice between letting our limits be set by the world and letting our limits be set by God.

For a humorous and musical spin on the "get up/get down" issue, make sure to read this article. Hey, laughter is the best medicine, right?

Nerdiness: all the rage

2006-04-18T01:33:00.000-04:00

You know you're a nerd (of the bio type) when...

- You have a discussion about whether "yargh" uses an r-selected or a k-selected life history strategy.

- You giggle with glee when a Simpsons episode pokes fun at the phrase "Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny."

- You joke that your lab studies the birds and the bees (and it actually does!)

- You fantasize about how different life might be if you were to get a publication in Nature or Science.

- You've had a weird desire to go skiing on a fitness landscape.

Any other ideas? :)

Reflections on reflections

2006-04-12T00:48:00.000-04:00

I'm sick of looking at myself in the mirror of the world -- I'm sick of obtaining an image of myself based on the wacky and unreadable signals of those around me in the world.

I find myself wondering...is it bad or good when:
- A smile from a near-stranger makes me feel attractive
- A smile from a stranger makes me feel awkward and uncertain
- Praise from a faculty member makes me feel more confident
- A harsh comment from a faculty member makes me feel ashamed
- A good week gives me inspiration and ambition
- A bad week casts a shadow of fear on situations
- A friend's concern allows me to feel welcome and loved
- A friend's lack of concern prevents me from feeling welcomed and loved

Some of the greatest pain I've experienced stems from when some experience with another person or group of people makes me feel alone or isolated. The pain stems not necessarily from just feeling lonely, but from feeling somehow...disposable. It hurts when the world, or at least our world, reflects an image that conveys to us the notion that our feelings, our views, or even our person is simply disposable.

I know that I'm supposed to obtain my value from one source -- God. And it gives me comfort to know that in His eyes, the value and dignity of all human beings is equal -- none of us are disposable.

No matter what the world says, no matter what your world says, you are not disposable.

It may take throwing out or smashing the mirror to see this, but if that's what's necessary, so be it. Besides, what's 7 years of bad luck in the grand scheme of life?

Seeking advice?...

2006-04-06T12:10:00.000-04:00

...just ask a bee.

The Onion articles for this week were super-hilarious, but I chose to post this advice column from 1997. Yeah, I'm sortof biased. :)

It's funny that I'm reading about bees giving advice only an hour before I get lots of advice about bees. Maybe it'll help me keep an open mind during my meeting. If nothing else, it's making me laugh. And I've decided to include part of the article in my presentation. My committee members will appreciate it. :)

Spring: rain, wind, and flowers

2006-04-05T00:29:00.000-04:00

Time for more random thoughts.

1. I love my family.

2. After not watching Leno for a few months, I have now managed to catch him two nights in a row. This is...good, I think.

3. April is going to fly by. This both excites and scares me.

4. I have a lot to learn about beekeeping. I've certainly learned a lot already, but I have a long way to go (the mites certainly aren't helping with anything). Luckily, I know of several people who can help me. Time to pester (more than usual, even).

5. Does anyone have any pressing questions about handbell ringing? Or handbell ringers? Don't ask why -- but just let me know if you have any. :)

6. Music rehearsal remains one of the most fun and theraputic activities that I do every week. I should start looking for a music group to join for the summer. Or maybe a few of us can start a handbell quartet...change ringing could be cool too. ;) Man, I miss drumline.

7. A random thought about my random thoughts: most of these are probably very boring to read. Sorry. :)

8. It's almost time for a whirlwind trip. Plans include: visiting a cool university, chatting about my studies, recovering from my week of presentations, attending my bro's jazz concert, catching up with some friends and friends of the family, eating Creamery ice cream at least once, and spending quality time with two crazy dogs and a bossy cat.

9. As I've mentioned before, I love PhD comics. I found this one today, and it made me laugh. Some of my friends may appreciate this one too. :)

Rehearsal

2006-03-31T10:12:00.000-05:00

Rehearsal: the act of practicing in preparation for a performance.

This week, I've been thinking of the importance of rehearsal -- both in terms of music rehearsal and in terms of life rehearsal.

The music rehearsal thoughts:

Well, last week my handbell stand partner fell and broke her wrist. She's a strong ringer and a person who brings a lot of personality and life to the group (actually, everyone in the group brings a lot of personality and life to the group...but a group suffers anytime one member suffers). We've found ways to compensate for her absence as her wrist heals, but it's going to be a long and difficult process for the group. Our rehearsals are going to require added concentration, extra effort, and probably extra time.

And I feel guilty, because I'm planning on missing a rehearsal in a couple of weeks. This seems like the scummiest thing that I can do at this point in time. But the alternative is to spend only 1.5 days (instead of a more reasonable amount of time) with my family, who I haven't seen since Christmas and probably won't see again until August. That also seems scummy (and very undesirable). I'm feeling pressured and guilty and I want to try to figure out a way to be at that rehearsal and spend a decent amount of time with my family, but it's just not feasible.

The life rehearsal thoughts:

Yeah. I've decided that the line between "rehearsal" and "performance" in life is really, really blurred, and perhaps nonexistent. Sometimes I take the view that a lot of life experiences serve to prepare us for future life experiences. And other times I take the view that a lot of life experiences that feel preparatory in nature are actually performances in and of themselves. This week I've decided, very informally, that these two views are not mutually exclusive: rehearsals are performances and performances are rehearsals.

At first, it feels sort of odd to think of a rehearsal as a performance. But it is, really -- in rehearsal you are supposed to try your best with the intention of noticing yucky things that you should work on perfecting later. And a true rehearsal is one in which you are somehow evaluated on your performance in the rehearsal -- either by yourself or by some observer or director. Honest and genuine feedback is a necessary and desirable component of rehearsal. So you really should treat the rehearsal as a performance.

And at first, it feels sort of odd to think of a performance as a rehearsal. But unless you expect that performance to be your absolute last one, the performance becomes a rehearsal for future performances. Your mistakes, instead of being annoying or "something you just need to work on," really really sting. And the praise you receive, instead of being nice or welcome, can make you float and can stick with you for years. But the emotional load that feedback from a performance takes serves only to make your upcoming rehearsals and performances more directed and more productive.

But the intertwining of rehearsal and performance in life is painful. Because when you realize that you've messed up in rehearsal, you realize later, to great chagrin, that what you thought was rehearsal was actually a performance.

Well, actually, it was both.

Truth cannot contradict Truth

2006-03-23T08:56:00.000-05:00

One thing I fully appreciate is when a person is willing to enter into the craziness that is my life and help me work through my thoughts, confusions, and struggles. Last night I called a friend from college and basically yelped "Help!!" And the result was one of the coolest conversations I've had in a long time.

We didn't "solve" anything. In fact, I think we both walked away from the conversation a bit more confused than we were to begin with. But I'm okay with that, temporarily at least. Why? Because the process of the conversation itself was so cool.

The basic topic of conversation was: What do I agree with and disagree with in the Catholic Church? My friend, who is the "type" of Catholic that I am (hm, a "liberal" but devout Catholic), has views that often match mine. As a consequence, he became pretty engaged in the discussion and we set out to work together to challenge ourselves on this topic.

It's difficult to explain the type of interaction that we had, but it felt challenging and directed yet exploratory. We asked questions. We compared our answers with the stated answers of the Church. We articulated hypothetical sitations to ponder. We made up multiple definitions of words and then tried to figure out which definition was most plausible, most frequently used, or most correct. We ranted about views that felt offensive, yet contemplated their ultimate merit. When we disagreed, we tried to figure out why we each held to our particular view. We made up more hypothetical situations. We considered the effects that experience, emotion, and logic were having on our answers. And we asked more questions.

My friend raised a particularly interesting question in the midst of all of this discussion: Does God judge someone based on their ability to understand?

A slightly different way of phrasing the above question: Is there a "middle ground" somewhere between accepting and rejecting an idea? If you don't reject an idea, have you necessarily accepted it? If you don't accept an idea, have you necessarily rejected it? What effect, for example, does ignorance have on your basic ability to accept or reject an idea?

As a nerdy tangent, I thought about these sorts of issues (on a much nerdier basis) in topology class in college. Given a topological space, there exist open sets and closed sets, but they aren't necessarily exhaustive categories. For example, depending on the topology you're working with, you can have sets that are neither open nor closed. The way this comes about is that neither open nor closed are defined as the opposite as each other, but are each defined based on specific criteria. You have to meet a certain set of criteria to be open, and you have to meet a different set of criteria to be closed. Is the acceptance or rejection of an idea similar in that each requires a certain meeting of criteria? Or are acceptance and rejection of an idea similar to how we define "open" and "closed" in relation to doors -- where a door can only either be open or closed?

Canonical puzzles

2006-03-21T09:06:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday, J.S. Bach!!

Bach was born on March 21, 1685. The man was a musical genius. GENIUS. In his lifetime, he was known primarily for his tremendous ability to play the organ -- and he was especially known for his improvisation skills on the instrument. On at least one occasion, he generated and played a 3-part fugue on the spot! There are rumors that he improvised a 6-part fugue, but the evidence is not solid -- that would be beyond the capacity of any modern composer, I'm told.

Here are some fun facts about the guy:

- Bach was a devout Lutheran. At the end of almost every one of his compositions, he wrote the letters "SDG," for Soli Deo Gloria ("To God alone be the glory").

- In 1705, Bach walked 260 miles to hear the famous organist Buxtehude play. To make this journey, he took a month's absence from his job.

- Bach was once thrown in jail for a month because his employer at the time didn't like that Bach had accepted a new job.

- Bach was a prolific composer. He was also a prolific...father. He and his first wife (his cousin, ew) had 7 children together. After she died, he married Anna Magdelena and together they had 13 children. That's 20 children in total! Sadly, 11 died as young babies. :(

- Bach enjoyed creating and solving musical puzzles.

- Bach incorporated lots of symbolism and code into his music. As one small example, he inserted his "musical signature" in many of his pieces. His musical signature was, well, his last name: B-A-C-H. In the German music notation system, "B" = B flat and "H" = B natural. So to add his signature, he would simply weave the 4-note motif (B-flat, A, C, B natural) somewhere into his piece. He also incorporated statements of his faith and belief in God into his music.

- The Bible that Bach owned and scribbled notes in was found in Frankenmuth, Michigan!! Go here for the story.

- Bach's comment on playing the organ: "There's nothing to it. You simply hit the right notes at the right times and the instrument plays itself." :)

To commemorate this special day, I am listening to Bach's "Goldberg Variations" while working. However, my favorite Bach composition of all time (thus far -- I've probably only heard 5% of his music) is his "Little" Fugue in G minor. I was introduced to that piece in elementary school. My elementary school music teacher wanted to teach us the concept of a "fugue," and he used Bach's fugue in G minor to accomplish the task. We all listened to the piece together and were told to listen for the reentries of the fugal theme. Every time a new voice (part) entered with the main fugue theme, my teacher placed a pacman on the blackboard. When the final booming bass voice entered with the the theme, he placed a huge pacman on the board and it gobbled up the others.

I can't listen to that piece now without envisioning the little pacmen. I'm sure that Bach is proud. :)

Multitasking

2006-03-17T10:31:00.000-05:00

My outfit for today is a green and white t-shirt, jeans, green and white earrings, and green and white shamrock socks. Yes, I am a geek -- I like to wear holiday colors on holidays (green or red on Christmas, red or pink on Valentine's day, etc.). But I am proud of myself today for being so efficient in meeting (via my outfit) the multiple requirements of today:

- It is St. Patrick's Day, and I definitely am wearing an abudance of green and white. The shamrock socks add a particularly nice touch, in my opinion.

- MSU plays George Mason today in the basketball tournament. By wearing green and white, I am showing support for MSU -- Go State!

- Bucknell plays Arkansas today in the basketball tournament. Although I'm not wearing orange and blue, my t-shirt is a Bucknell t-shirt. It reads "Bucknell Houseparty. Old enough to know better. Still too young to care." Hehe. 'Ray Bucknell!

Reacting appropriately to life

2006-03-15T22:14:00.000-05:00

Here are two interesting and funny (as usual) but really kindof sad articles from The Onion. More than just interesting and funny, though, I think they're pretty thought-provoking.

Rotation of Earth Plunges Entire North American Continent Into Darkness

Poverty-Stricken Africans Receive Desperately Needed Bibles

In the first article, I hate to admit it, but I actually can identify with overreacting to everyday events. You're all shocked, I know. I don't know how to change that part of me. At least I've almost grown out of being scared of the dark.

In the second article, I can identify with using well-meaning but not direct enough approaches to try to solve problems I see with life.

Both of these articles are parodies of the interesting ways in which we humans sometimes react to circumstances in life. Sometimes I wonder what the correct response really is, though. And are overreacting and using indirect approaches worse than not responding at all?

World, meet Ghengis.

2006-03-13T15:44:00.000-05:00

A group of my friends gets together once a week to play strategic board games, and I typically have a great deal of fun there. Last week, in the middle of a long and frustrating game, my one friend mentioned that in order to do better at the game I simply needed to unleash "my inner warlord." Amused at the whole notion, I playfully wondered outloud if my inner warlord has a name. My friend, without hesistation, replied "Ghengis."

Although I hate it when it happens, Ghengis occasionally rears his ugly head (or "comes out to play," in the words of another friend). Here are some observations that I've collected on the behavior of Ghengis:

Ghengis comes out to play when...
1. I feel isolated (Ghengis gets most of his exercise this way)
2. I feel betrayed (Ghengis acts fiesty in these situations)
3. I am frustrated with the world
4. I feel attacked
5. I see someone hurting someone else (Ghengis becomes almost intolerable if the person doing the hurting attempts to justify his/her actions)

Ghengis either goes to sleep or is already sleeping peacefully when...
1. I have fun and laugh
2. I am really looking forward to something
3. I feel appreciated or liked
4. I believe that people actually care
5. I feel organized and on top of things
6. I have 25 lbs. of chocolate nearby

The effects on Katie when Ghengis is roaming freely (the Ghengis-Katie interaction):
1. I retreat from people or shun their advances
2. I mope
3. I simmer and occasionally lash out. I mean, Ghengis lashes out.
4. I get caught in a downward spiral. This means that if Ghengis originally comes out to play because of one of the reasons above, he continues to amuse himself with some of the other reasons.

If anyone has other observations about Ghengis, let me know. I'm currently thinking of grounding him, but he's too annoying to catch. Maybe another day.

You just never know...

2006-03-07T00:47:00.000-05:00

Random thoughts and questions from this past weekend, in a feeble attempt to deyargh:

- Chocolate cake makes for a wonderful dinner experience. It does not make for a wonderful dinner though.

- So much can be conveyed in just one glance from across a room. People don't take advantage of this nearly enough.

- Guys, if you're getting mad because a girl dances with others because you don't ask her to dance, consider changing your strategy.

- I am actually looking forward to tackling my taxes this week. I sort of dig pretending to be an accountant for short amounts of time. My mindset will change, as usual, as soon as I remember just how bad the directions are on the tax forms.

- I don't enjoy managing people. I am not cut out for it, and I don't pretend to be cut out for it, and it generally stresses me out.

- I am a complete and total sucker for beauty and passion when it is displayed in people around me. Complete and total sucker.

- Yoshi is the best possible character in Mario Kart. Why? Because he's green and he's a dinosaur, of course. And he's the least annoying of all the characters (except when I play him, of course). ;)

- There's almost no chance in this world that I'll be able to have my wedding where I really want it to be. This bothers me immensely this week. It's sort of funny, because I don't think of myself as being that picky. Okay, who am I kidding? But still, there are things that I (really) need to work on before I decide upon a wedding site. Silly friends who get married and gush about color schemes and cakes and get me all excited. :)

- Trying to get 788 handbell ringers to ring together is no easy task. But it doesn't mean that someone shouldn't try.

- I am not good at guessing what acronyms stand for, even if given clues. :)

- It's a bad sign when you find yourself having insomnia because you're trying to figure out what was your favorite date of all time, and why. (Date as in "date experience when out on a date", not Date as in "person.")

- I have a very disorganized to-do list for this week. So as part of my to-do list for this week, should I take the time to organize my to-do list? These questions plague me. Oh well. :)

Remember THREE.

2006-03-01T10:49:00.000-05:00

I’ve always liked the number 3. But today I’m especially fond of it:

First, I just found out today that I’ll be attending 3 weddings this summer/early fall. Two of my friends just set their date yesterday, and I’m so excited.

Second, I just found out today that I’ll be seeing 3 friends this weekend. Well, technically I’ll be seeing more than 3 friends over the course of the weekend. But these three people (2 former profs/friends, 1 non-prof friend) in particular I haven’t seen in a long long time. The last time I saw one of them was May 19, 2002. That’s a long time ago!! :)

Third, today is officially the start of Lent, so I’m thinking a bit more about the number 3 in the context of the Trinity.

I always thought that the number 3 sounded pretty small. But today I’m struck by the notion that the number 3 can sometimes seem pretty large. Yep, pretty large indeed. Today, 3 is definitely large enough to fill me with excitement. Or maybe 3 just seems especially large today because this morning my officemates and I had a stimulating discussion about yoctoseconds. :)

Divergence and parallelism

2006-02-23T00:24:00.000-05:00

Well, it's Thursday, which means that I have two lab meetings today. Yes, I'm weird, and attend two lab meetings per week. I've recently returned from one of the meetings and am awaiting the start of the next one, so I thought that I'd quickly blog about some of my mid-day musings.

What's interesting to me is how differently these lab meetings run. In lab A, we first spend a lot of time gossiping (the advisor for lab A calls this "professional development" or "gleaning insights about the culture of science"...heehee). We then usually move onto discussing our research ideas. Emphasis on the word "idea." We talk in generalities, and this advisor wants us to always be discussing how our general idea is going to move the field forward. In lab B, we first spend some time discussing specific questions that we have about some recent paper, talk, or analysis. We then usually move onto discussing our research projects. Emphasis on the word "project." We talk in specifics, and this advisor wants us to always be discussing how our specific methodology is going to address our project's hypothesis.

It's also interesting to see how differently I react to these lab meetings. When I leave the meetings for lab A, I feel the need to zoom out of my own little research world and look at how my questions fit into the broader context of science. I also feel a desire to relate my work to other disciplines that are looking at some of my overarching questions from a very different setting/framework. Yay for interdisciplinary work. :) When I leave the meetings for lab B, I feel the need to bury myself in the literature that most closely resembles my area of interest and ask how my questions can best be addressed given what others have already done. I also feel a desire to gain a deeper knowledge of some really specific projects that were well-crafted and elegant.

I'm convinced that both approaches are helpful to my progress as a grad student, but in very different ways. And I have to admit that I'm thankful to have both at this stage in my career. Together, they provide a helpful approach to thinking about my own work. From lab A, I'm constantly encouraged to look at how my work fits into the big picture. From lab B, I'm constantly encouraged to focus on specifics that are real and important considerations in any project.

Things I've noted about myself, both in the grad school context and in the "life" context: I easily lose sight of the big picture goals when I'm concerned about nitty-gritty things. And I also easily lose sight of procedures and realistic steps towards progress when I'm focused on more broad and long-term goals or ideals. A balance exists somewhere...right?

Just going with the flow...

2006-02-20T08:05:00.000-05:00

If you feel comfortable doing so, please fill out these two little online quizzes for me...

My Johari window

My Nohari window

Thanks!

In the spirit of questions...

2006-02-15T08:15:00.000-05:00

I used the word "spiritual" in a conversation last week, and ever since then I've been sortof pondering what exactly I meant by it. It strikes me that the word means different things to different people.

So...how do you define the word "spiritual"? Or if you don't want to give an exact definition (I find that to be very difficult), what sorts of things leap to mind when someone uses that word to describe a state of mind, a person, or an experience?

The obligatory post

2006-02-14T08:59:00.000-05:00

In honor of Valentine's Day, here is my favorite cartoon, from PhD comics:

The true meaning of Valentine's Day

By the way, if you're a grad student, you should definitely be reading "Piled Higher & Deeper." If you need to be convinced, check out the some of the fan favorites under the "New to PhD?" section on the lower left corner of the screen.

And now, time for an amusing story (at least some of you who know me will think it's funny). I met up with one of my guy friends at a dance last week. He decided that he really wanted to set me up with one of his friends, and started going over all of the reasons why it might be a good idea. After hearing enough to think that it wasn't going to work out long-term anyway, I declined the offer. But he kept trying to persuade me.

Finally he said "Come on, Katie. Just think, it will give you someone to..." he paused, searching for just the right word "...analyze."

Heehee. :)

Music Therapy

2006-02-14T08:57:00.000-05:00

I had forgotten just how theraputic playing in an ensemble can be for me. Handbell rehearsal last night was wonderfully fun, thanks to both the insanely crazy music and the insanely crazy people. And the music got in my head and stayed there...annoyingly, it stayed there even after I tried (unsucessfully) to go to bed. But I'm really excited this term because we're playing 3 of my top 10 favorite bell pieces of all time.

What are my favorites?

1. Tempest (Kevin McChesney) - Any piece that is so absolutely crazy has to be good. Time signature changes abound, and the melody in the rollicking 6/8 section is one of my favorites. My left arm wants to fall off by the end of the piece, but that's okay. And I worked up an actual sweat practicing this last night! You can listen to a snippet of the song on Ring of Fire's website (scroll down to Tempest, track 3) . We'll push the tempo faster than they did, though. ;)
2. Festive Dance (Bizet/McChesney) - Based on Bizet's 'Farandole' from L'Arlesienne Suite No. 2. The goal of this piece is to get it to be as fast as humanly possible while maintaining precision and phrasing. Besides the fast part, I also love this piece because of all of the great memories it brings back for me.
3. Greensleeves (arr. Cathy Moklebust) - A hauntingly beautiful melody. Fabulous use of the eighth octave of bells.
4. Reunir (The 'adorable Dr. Payn') - If played correctly, whisks the listener through several passionate moods. Also creates a very full sound in some beautiful passages. This piece was commissioned by my current handbell ensemble.
5. Change Ring on Divinum Mysterium (Fred Gramann) - I usually can't get enough of this piece. Based on the melody "Of the Father's Love Begotten."
6. Heart Melodies, Part I (Payn) - In this piece, a bell choir is to be accompanied by orchestra, though the middle passage can be played alone with bells. Based on the theme of love, Payn weaves a complex yet sweet landscape of sound.
7. Imagenes (Payn) - I include this piece because the beginning and ending sections are sortof mysterious and intriguing. Also, the 'B' section sounds like remotely like theme music from Zelda. :)
8. Hava Nageela (arr. Douglas Floyd Smith) - A Jewish piece for bells! It's fantastic -- and the last half of the piece is basically just one huge accelerando.
9. Gethsemane, Reflections on the Passion Chorale (Nancy Hascall) - I just got introduced to this piece recently, but I already love it. It's very very moving (and very, very, slow...the beginning section is at quarter = 60). Plus, one section of it is in e-flat minor...6 flats! Yeah man!
10. Meditation on Beautiful Savior (Moklebust) - Another very moving piece. Sounds the most "churchy" of all of the above pieces.

Although the list above is ordered like a top-10 list, it is subject to change depending on my mood. I also expect that Gethsemane will move up on the list as we play it more.

Poor swans!

2006-02-09T12:13:00.000-05:00

Hehe...okay, so I was going to post a serious post today, but then I found a really really funny article on The Onion. Check it out!!

EPA Warns of Dangerous Levels of Romance in Air

Wormholes

2006-02-06T10:43:00.000-05:00

Ever have an experience that suddenly transports you to a different time? To a different place? I had one of those experiences yesterday.

I was sitting in mass, listening to the readings and totally oblivious to the time travel that I was about to experience. The Catholic Church operates on a three-year cycle of readings for mass. Therefore, yesterday's readings were identical to the readings of a sunday in February of 2003. Partway through one of the readings (that I've actually read many times in the last few years), I thought "Hm, why does this sound so familiar?" And suddenly it dawned on me that I last heard it spoken three years ago.

And whoosh -- all of a sudden I was transported back in time to that mass. It was weird. I can remember where I was sitting, the general gist of a song we sung, my reaction to the homily that day, the confused and concerned glances of a friend I was with, and my general lack of trust in myself and God that day. What's weird is just how vividly that memory returned to me. I was really surprised.

This has led me to believe that there may in fact be wormholes in the fabric of the universe. Weirdo. :)

Presticogitation. Yargh.

2006-02-03T10:59:00.000-05:00

Some of my new favorite words:

Presticogitation – rapid mental processing that commands compliance because of its speed and beauty

This word was created by James Vanden Bosch, a professor at Calvin College. In describing the exact word he was looking for when creating “presticogitation,” he comments: "I wanted a word that would refer, playfully, to a phenomenon that had not yet been named, namely, the fast and powerful thinking that so dazzles the listener that the sheer speed and brightness of the performance brings the listener into quick, even grateful, compliance or agreement."

I like it. :)

Yargh – this one is difficult to define directly, but a friend and I have been trying to dissect its peculiarities for weeks. Sometimes context clues help, so here are snippets of our conversations about yargh:

* “I could be fairly described as yarghed.”
* “Being social while in a state of yargh is…difficult.”
* “We need to find unyargh times to deyargh.”
* “At least acknowledging the yargh diminishes some of the yarghness of yargh.”
And my personal favorite…
* “This (mood) can only really be described as yargh, because I don’t know how to break out of the yargh, which is pretty much the definition of yargh.”

Security measures

2006-01-31T10:06:00.000-05:00

One of my friends seems to be particularly good at pointing out the humor behind various guy-girl interactions. Here are ones I really like so far:

*****

1. The Ambush

'The Ambush' (a term made up by my friend, to my knowledge) describes that all-too-typical scenario when a girl will ask a guy some question that forces him to choose between being nice (or "sensitive") and being honest. Prime example:

Girl: "Does this shirt make me look fat?" (The Ambush)
Guy: Uh...um...

Essentially, the guy is caught between a rock and a hard place. As a girl, I might feel hurt if the guy was honest, but I know I would feel even more hurt if I knew he wasn't being honest. It's a lose-lose situation. So the questions are, for the girl, should she just refrain from ever asking questions like that? And for the guy, how should he respond to that type of question?

2. The Nice Guy Syndrome

The Nice Guy Syndrome describes how girls will often form close friendships with guys that they would never date, and the weird emotions that accompany the guy in such a situation. My friend's example:

Girl: "I want to go to this party, but I don't want anyone to hit on me. Will you please come with me? I'll feel safer then."
Guy: Uh...um...

My friend pontificated at length about how even if he isn't "interested" in the girl, that invitation alone causes a stir of injustice to rise within him. He starts to question why he's viewed by her as a source of protection and platonic friendship but not as anything "more." And though he would never want to date her, he's frustrated that she wouldn't want to date him.

Actually, that situation reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from the movie "When Harry Met Sally." In this scene, Harry comforts Sally as she is crying over the fact that her ex-boyfriend just got engaged.

Sally: He just met her... she's supposed to be his transitional person, she's not supposed to be the ONE. All this time I thought he didn't want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn't want to marry me. He didn't love me.
Harry: If you could take him back now, would you?
Sally: No. (begins to cry again) But why didn't he want to marry me?

*****

I think that a common theme in both of these examples is that they really highlight some of the insecurities that we experience. In an Ambush situation, the girl is looking for someone to help her feel more secure in her appearance. Or more secure in how her significant other perceives her appearance, at the very least. In a Nice Guy Syndrome, the guy is looking for affirmation as man, not simply as a friend.

Of course, it is wonderfully nice to occasionally feel a bit more secure. It's a hard journey to get there yourself, and therefore it's really nice to hear compliments from others (including, and occasionally especially, from the opposite sex). But sometimes honesty is...well, honesty, and it can hurt.

I still am figuring out how to deal with some of my insecurities. Do I ask people for feedback and just expect to get devastatingly honest answers, like in the Ambush situation? Or do I keep my insecurities to myself and silently let a sense of injustice creep in, characteristic of the Nice Guy Syndrome? Ideally I should be working to get over some of my insecurities...but it can take a lot of effort, and it's nice to feel support along the way. So I guess another question is how do I go about looking for support without placing undue demands on my friends and family?

Feeling incomplete...

2006-01-25T11:58:00.000-05:00

...but this shirt would help. Wait, no, it would just remind me about incompleteness. Oh dear, I'm such a nerd. ;)

Someone please tell me that you know what I'm talking about. ;)

The nobility of accountability

2006-01-24T20:56:00.000-05:00

One thing I've learned about myself during grad school is that my motivation really ebbs and flows. Lately it's been ebbing. :) But accountability is a good way to give myself some much-needed help.

* Need to wake up at a reasonable hour? Have my roomie threaten to send in the dog if I'm not up by a certain time.
* Need to stop staring into space during the day? Tell my officemate to look over once in awhile and make sure that I'm typing away for the next x (where x >> 0) minutes.
* Need to overcome various mental academic obstacles? Get together for a long and intense study-session with a friend who needs to do the same.
* Need to keep long-term goals in mind? Tell my advisor what I want to do before I graduate, and ask him to give me occasional deadlines and to make sure that I actually keep my word.
* Need to keep a straight head during emotionally rough times? Figure out what are smart and non-smart courses of action and e-mail a friend who will check up on me to see that I'm sticking with the smart ones.

It's hard for me to decide whether I like being held accountable for my actions. Sure, using accountability can help me to get the job done. But sometimes I wish that I were motivated enough to do these things on my own. It's embarassing to ask people to help me with things that I'm supposed to want to do, or with situations that I've gotten myself into, or with work that I'm being paid to "do."

But on the other hand, God puts others into my life for a reason. I'm not meant to do everything in a box. I'm human and I should need to ask for help. And I see a lot of people in my life who can help me become a stronger/better/wiser person than I am today.

But when I feel like I'm leaning too strongly on others, I start to feel scared. I'm scared that leaning on others too much may cause me to become even lazier and over time, to lose some of my own strength.

So how can I tell if I'm becoming stronger or weaker by getting help from others?

Eighteen candles

2006-01-20T14:53:00.000-05:00

Last night I was hit with a sudden pang of intense loneliness. I knew where I wanted to go, because I was lonely for a place. A place from my past; a place that I had wanted to be a part of my future.

Where did I want to go?

Here.

Or, in other words, here. You can even see me in that picture if you know where to look. ;)

For those of you who enjoyed this place as much as I did, maybe you'll be able to understand my sentiments. I don't why last night was the night to be bombared by all of the memories associated with that place, but such is the life I live occasionally. I tried to comfort myself by immersing myself in many memories and trying to remember a lot of what I felt and experienced there. Here's a short and fairly impersonal list:

Tastes: Chocolate chip cookies, lender's bagels, orange juice, wheat bread, and wintergreen lifesavers.
Sights: Chandeliers. Bells. Chimes. Red. White. Friends, friends, friends.
Sounds: Voices of individuals, yet blended beautifully so that individuality only added to the overall sound texture. Murmurs of prayers. Piano. Bells. Harp. Organ.
Touch: Being wrapped in a warm choir robe, handshakes with friends and faculty, feeling physically enveloped in a gorgeous sound, shaky arms at the end of an intense and emotional passage of bell music.

It's hard for me to accept that the life I am living at any given point in time will become merely a memory later. But if it's a beautiful memory, it is ultimately a source of comfort and hope. On the other hand, it also means feeling empty and lost occasionally.

Beyond the web

2006-01-18T11:25:00.000-05:00

"Are my stories true, you ask? No, they are imaginary tales, containing fantastic characters and events. In real life, a family doesn't have a child who looks like a mouse; in real life, a spider doesn't spin words in her web. In real life, a swan doesn't blow a trumpet. But real life is only one kind of life; there is also the life of the imagination. And although my stories are imaginary, I like to think that there is some truth in them, too: truth about the way people and animals feel and think and act. "
~E.B. White (1899-1985)

Well, thanks to an interesting e-mail listserv I'm on, I discovered a new fun piece of writing by E.B. White. It's very whimsical and amusing, at least to me. :)

Here it is: Song of the Queen Bee

Optimization problems

2006-01-13T19:10:00.000-05:00

I'm going to venture into math nerdiness for a very short time, because sometimes it's just how I think. Don't worry -- it won't be too painful. :) I'm just going to use some terms from very basic game theory to frame a few questions I want to explore. If you want a better explanation of the theory than what I'm going to give, see this page.

Before I get to the questions, I want to define just a couple of "strategies" for decision-making (believe me, there can be many more!).

1. Maximax -- essentially, you look at the best payoff that each option provides, and you take the option that gives the best of these best payoffs. In other words, you aim to get the best "best" consequence.
2. Maximin -- essentially, you look at the worst payoff that each option provides, and you take the option that gives the best of these worst payoffs. In other words, when following this strategy, you aim to get the least "worst" consequence.

Now, here are the questions: When choosing a option from a set of alternative options, which of these two strategies do you tend to use? Why? And does the particular strategy you use depend on your situation?

I'll give an example of how this may be applied. Say that you're out "spouse-shopping." (Sounds weird, doesn't it? Oh well.) Realistically speaking, you know that marriage is going to produce both highs and lows. These peaks and valleys are inevitable in marriage -- or so I hear. So given that you know that you will experience both highs and lows with any person, what drives you to decide to settle down with person A instead of person B? Are you prone to choose a person who is most likely to maximize the intensity or duration of your highs (the maximax strategy) or a person who is most likely to minimize the intensity of your lows (the maximin strategy)? Do you want to make life more happy and fulfilling when things are good or do you want to make life less difficult and painful when things are bad?

Of course, there are situations in which applying either strategy will produce an identical result -- it would be great to find a spouse who is going to make your good times great and your bad times not all that bad. I'm sure it's possible, even. But still, a lot of marital problems seem to stem from seemingly unbalanced scenarios: "He makes me really happy and we're passionately in love, but when we fight things turn extremely ugly." Or, "You know, we often are good at working through our problems together and we occasionally disagree a bit, but I just never feel any passion in our marriage -- everything seems completely dull."

Now, choosing a spouse is just one (potentially silly) example to highlight some differences between the two strategies. You can apply this to all sorts of choices we make in life, from grocery shopping to investing in stocks. But even more intriguing than the strategies themselves is the question of what these strategies might reveal about ourselves. If we apply the maximax strategy, we're focusing on the positives. Seems nice, but does it mean that we're being ignorant or avoiding important negatives? If we apply the maximin strategy, we're focusing on the negatives. Seems practical, but does it mean that we're letting ourselves be controlled by fear?

Finally, do you use different strategies for different types of choices? If so, why? For particular types of choices, are you sometimes seeking fulfillment and other times seeking security? Does fulfillment provide security? Does security provide fulfillment?

Ack, too many questions. Okay, I'm going to stop rambling for now. :)

Reality check

2006-01-11T09:50:00.000-05:00

So for those of you who didn't know, I just spent the last week on vacation in...Jamaica!! Unfortunately, I did not meet a steel drummer (unless you count the keyboard player who set his synthesizer to a steel drum setting, but I'm way above that). :) But I had such a blast. Here are some random thoughts swirling around my head from the trip.

First, I really am very bad with cloudy days. I have to learn to deal better with overcast weather. On our third day in Jamaica I woke up to...no sun! And within a very short time my mood had completely plummeted, even though I was on vacation! Ridiculous, I tell you. Thankfully, drinking caffeinated tea, combined with reading on the cloudy beach, seemed to work wonders. Another case in point is that I was in a superb mood yesterday, even though I was back in Michigan and settling back into work. Why the great mood? I'd like to say that it was because I was thankful for getting home safely (which I am), but I suspect that a large part of it had to do with the fact that the sun was shining brightly. Why Michigan is sunny when Jamaica isn't is beyond me. :)

Second, friendly people make me happy. Jamaican people were very friendly (some of the males were a bit too friendly though), and lots of them waved and yelled hello as you walked/drove/biked past them. No one had inhibitions about asking questions, asking for tips, complimenting you, etc. Of course, some of that was a bit unnerving and occasionally annoying. But after thinking about it for a bit, I've come to the conclusion that it simply shifts the burden of social expectation onto the recipient. In other words, you just have to get used to answering a lot of questions and saying "no" frequently.

Third, I'm way more interested in learning about plants when food is somehow involved. I've always wanted to become a better naturalist and be able to identify plants and such, but I'm never quite motivated enough to actually sit down and really learn what I need to learn. I can identify a few common trees by their leaves and I can identify ash trees by the ski-slope bark pattern (thanks Charlotte!), but that's about it. Anyway, it was neat to get to Jamaica and see coconut trees, lime trees, and the vegetation that produces allspice berries. The lime tree leaves smell like lime (or lemon)! And the allspice leaves smell like allspice!

Fourth, I become sortof uncomfortable when I become aware of the vast difference between poverty and riches. Wherever I went in Jamaica, I could look one direction and see wealth (the tourists and resorts) and look in another direction and see poverty (many of the locals). And it was disturbing to me to be reminded that, for instance, my digital camera alone probably cost more money than a lot of people have to live on. One of my friends recently blogged about feeling a bit of guilt over time and money he has spent on leisure occasionally, and I definitely resonate with that to an extent. Eventually he concluded that leisure is good in that it reminds him that the work he does is not really his to do -- he is God's instrument. Did Jamaica remind me of being God's instrument? Not really, to be honest -- I was busy enjoying the beach! But it has done a bit to tweak my mindset in ways that I think will ultimately lead me to better understand the importance of choosing to be God's instrument.

Fifth, I like how kids think and perceive the world around them. Being around kids turned a "neat" and "pretty" hike up a waterfall into a giggly and exhiliarating adventure. And while I was taking a bike tour along a very poor section of Jamaica, two Jamaican kids sharing an old bike pedaled up to me and biked alongside me for part of my trip. They chatted away, asked about my vacation so far, and swerved around crazily, somehow not hurting their bare feet on the pedals of the bike or on the rocky, dusty road. At one point I asked one of them what he liked most about living in Jamaica. Giving me a huge toothy grin, he stated simply, "Everything." Wow.

Ah, the trip was so cool, and I loved all of it. My friend Lindsey wrote up a great blog entry of what we actually did on our trip, so I didn't try to cover that at all here. If you're interested, take a look at her blog entry about Jamaica. It's titled, appropriately, "Ya Mon!" :)

MI and PA: apples and oranges

2006-01-02T23:58:00.000-05:00

Well, today I made the long drive back to MI. I miss home already, but I'm very very thankful for the time that I had there with family and friends. As I drove today I took some time to reflect on some of the little but extremely fun things that I will treasure from the past couple of weeks.

I'm thankful for...

- the cat harassing me and Dad as we were repainting the living room
- helping Mom pet-sit 7 llamas
- watching Conan O'Brien late at night with my brother
- seeing navy and white everywhere :)
- shopping with Mom
- getting to eat at the Corner Room (my favorite non-foreign food SC restaurant) with friends
- getting to eat brunch at the Waffle Shop (my favorite breakfast restaurant ever) with a friend
- having a black lab mix keep my feet warm at night
- baking
- seeing King Kong with Mom (I actually really liked that movie!)
- discovering that I'm worse at Scene-It (TV version) than I am at Power Grid
- having my guy friends beat us gals at Battle of the Sexes, IQ version :(
- getting more Quicken tutorials from Dad (Quicken = best program ever!)
- hanging out with lots of friends from high school at our Christmas party
- having a friend care enough to come over and hang out even when I was really sick (I threw up before and after he came, but not while he was there...phew). :)
- watching DCI finals -- and discovering that Alfred Reed's "Russian Christmas" is a waaaay cool piece for drum corps
- deciding that I really want to get better at chess (for real this time!!!)
- sleeping lots
- celebrating the end of 2005 in style -- with a game of Settlers/Seafarers :)
- hearing my brother and his friends record a mock death metal song (guitar, bass, drums, and vocals). For the record, it turned out really well, and I crack up every time I hear it. They recorded everything in like 3 hours only and then used the mixer and a computer to put the multiple vocal tracks on top of each other. The vocals include lots of screaming/growling with really random and funny lyrics.
- learning how to "properly" knee a person. Yay for my cop friend (who teaches a self-defense course for women) getting a punching bag for Christmas. :)

The only really bad thing that happened over break was that I came down with the stomach flu. And yes, I was very sick...I didn't eat chocolate for 3 whole days!!

By the way, comparing apples and oranges is, in fact, possible. Read this article. :)

Banking on technology

2005-12-28T13:39:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I really miss being a kid. Well, okay, I still think of myself as a kid in many ways, but being home reminds me of some really neat aspects of being young. In particular, yesterday I found myself really missing the method that my parents used to teach me how to handle money.

For as far back as I can remember, I've had three different piggy banks sitting on the shelf that runs along the entire length of a wall in my bedroom. Why three? Well, my parents wanted to teach me the 65-25-10 allocation plan for money that I earned/received. Basically, that plan meant that for any money I obtained, I got to use 65% of it for spending, 25% of it went towards a savings account, and 10% of it went to charity. So each of my three piggy banks symbolized a specific role or placement for my money.

Every time I got money for pet-sitting, from relatives, or as an allowance, the first thing I had to do was divide it up appropriately between the three banks. Mom even used to give me my dollar allowance in the form of change so that I could easily just pop a quarter into the savings bank and a dime into the charity bank. A few times a year, we'd deposit the money from my savings bank into a real bank account (my parents told me that I wasn't allowed access to this account until college). And a few times a year, we'd donate the money from my charity bank to a charity or charities of my choice. Meanwhile, I could use the money in my spending bank whenever I wanted, really. Back then I liked to save up for a new My Little Pony or for another Nancy Drew book. :)

I was thinking about all of this yesterday for a few reasons. First, I found my savings piggy bank in my closet yesterday. It's exactly how I remember it: a little ceramic blue building that says "bank" and has a chimney on top and a candy cane on the front (yes, very random). My charity piggy bank was, appropriately, a heart-shaped porcelain dish that said something about love on the front of it. My spending piggy bank varied throughout the years; once I used an actual pig piggy bank, and at some point I had a mini-safe (because I liked the idea of securing my spending money with a code, particularly once my brother was born. I'm so trusting). Second, I got $10 in a card for Christmas, and getting cash once again reminded me of the nice little piggy bank system. I've become so accustomed to allocating my money via computerized database programs and electronic transfers. I kind of miss the tangibility of actually dropping coins into different places.

But anyway, I guess sometimes I really like having some sort of real/physical/tangible representation of an idea. As a kid it worked just fine to have three piggy banks with three different purposes. It's not as feasible now -- and I'd probably need a lot more piggy banks. And while I really like the ease with which I can transfer money and pay bills now, the electronic nature of it all sort of takes away from the realization that I've decided to move money from place A to place B, or paid a bill, or allocated money according to some strategy.

Or maybe I just like symbolism too much. :)

Rejoice! Rejoice!

2005-12-24T22:04:00.000-05:00

Sounds easy, right? But sometimes rejoicing is difficult, even during the Christmas season. Here's a nice reflection by Fr. Ron Rolheiser:

Faith Means That God is With Us

Merry Christmas, everyone!!

One or many?

2005-12-22T17:52:00.000-05:00

So in the past 30 hours I've somehow gotten myself into 3 separate discussions about religion. That's what I get for having crazy friends at home. ;) Nah...just kidding...but it has been interesting for sure. At several points in the various conversations I'd start to get a little bit frustrated, but at the time I couldn't tell why. But I think I've figured out the main reason: I feel like a hypocrite. Bear with me as I try to explain...

So the discussions started yesterday when I went out to brunch with a wonderfully energetic and enthusiastic friend from high school. She began talking about things that she likes about her new (Baptist) church, and that launched us into a discussion about church atmosphere. Eventually, we started talking about the things that she didn't like about her old church, and I revealed some of the things that I don't really like about my church -- the Catholic church. For the record, I'm very used to having conversations in which I discuss things that I like and dislike about my religion.

At one point in the conversation, my friend nonchalantly suggested that I just switch to a different church. "Just try out a bunch of different Protestant services and see which you feel most comfortable with. Then you can become a member of the one which fits best with your beliefs."

It's there that I began to feel frustrated. It wasn't that she suggested I go church-shopping. It's that she could do it in such a nonchalant manner. And the notion is not only something that I don't have a desire to do right now; it's that even if I did want to do it I don't think that it could be such a simple, easy, or light matter. Why? Well, for one reason, here's a brief list of things that I dislike and like about Catholicism (when compared with Protestantism):

Dislikes: Purgatory, some Marian beliefs, 5 minute sermons, lack of community feeling, lack of theological and biblical discussions, emphasis on formal confession to a priest (though I like the idea, I don't stress its necessity)

Likes: Mass, symbolism and images in worship, transubstantiation, emphasis on how we should respect life at every stage of life, the universal nature of the Church (praying the same prayers and reading the same readings across the world every day), oral tradition, the formal acceptance of evolution, some aspects of the priesthood, and the message of love -- due to the hierarchy we have a mechanism in place by which we can and do reach out to other religions, to countries in need, to political leaders, etc.

Yeah. Finding a Protestant church that doesn't have my "dislikes" is easy. Finding one that has my "likes" is...um, impossible. :)

I'm amazed when I look around at my Protestant friends and realize that they'll switch denominations without much trouble, guilt, or serious hang-ups about the choices they are making. In the past few years, I have seen friends switch from Assembly of God to Baptist, Episcopalian to Baptist, Baptist type A to Baptist type B, Methodist to Congregationalist, Calvinist to Presbyterian, and Presbyterian to Lutheran. Most of these people even take religion very seriously -- I know that they put thought behind their decisions, but it still didn't take much teeth-pulling, convincing, or sleepless nights to decide to convert. This amazes me. To me, converting to another church is a huge leap. And yes, I realize that going from Catholic to any other denomination is kind of a "bigger" leap than from denomination-hopping within Protestantism. But still...those Protestant denominations are separate for some reasons, and I don't know how people can so easily justify their choices.

And here's where I begin to feel like a hypocrite. Because if you ask me about the differences between denominations within Christianity, I will say that they are relatively small and unimportant. I believe strongly that all Christians agree on the "big" things, and that's ultimately what is important.

So how can I feel in one context like denominations within Christianity are superflous and silly and in another context that denominations are important and not to be taken lightly? Why do I like to visit and accept the churches of my Protestant friends and yet feel like I would never join?

I've been asking myself these questions today, and I don't really have answers. Sometimes I feel like if I truly believed that all Christian churches agree on the important things, then I wouldn't have any problem converting. Other times I become judgmental and feel like church respect should be symmetrical: if another church preaches that Catholicism is horrid, then I should stay as far away from that place as possible. And other times I feel like my "equal but different" feeling about Christian churches is good: it is loving and accepting and is maybe what God would want me to feel. And sometimes I feel like we're all just pretending to have answers to unanswerable (on earth) questions.

Homeward Bound

2005-12-18T22:40:00.000-05:00

PA, here I come!! I leave tomorrow morning, so in about 25 hours I will be at home watching Leno with my family. I'm excited to see family, friends, and mountains in Pennsylvania. :)

I hope that you all have safe travels during the Christmas season! And make sure to eat lots of cookies. :)

Scary

2005-12-13T18:39:00.000-05:00

So my advisor and I talked today about...gulp...my dissertation defense date. Actually, I'm really glad that we talked about it because it's good to keep an open communication about these things. I've heard too many horror stories of grad students who disagree with their advisor about when they should finish their degree and leave.

So, the tentative plan is for me to finish in August of 2007. That's only 20 months from now!! My fellowship support runs out that September, so it might be good to plan on being done around then anyway. I think that the department would give me support for a teaching position that fall (and even spring) if I have to postpone my defense, which is nice to know. So the tentative plan from now until the defense goes something like this:

Spring 2006: labwork, data analysis, writing, committee meeting, and planning for the summer
Summer 2006: fieldwork for my dissertation, conference(s)
Fall 2006: data analysis, writing, service for the department, and some modelling hopefully
Spring 2007: writing, writing, service, modelling, and contacting people about postdocs and maybe jobs
Summer 2007: many options! I'd love to attend the Santa Fe Institute complex systems summer school. However, I might decide to do more fieldwork (either out of necessity for my dissertation or to gather more data to write up later). I might also decide to try to get a position teaching a summer course for my department. Yay for teaching...I miss it greatly.

Now, this schedule might be optimistic, but at least my advisor and I are on the same page right now. He also told me today that he wasn't going to "push me out the door" -- I can decide to leave on my own time. I really appreciate that, and I'll just see how things go. I think the most scary part of all of this is that I'll probably need to start searching for postdoc positions and/or academic jobs in just a little over one year from now. Yikes!

Oh yes, part of my reasoning for writing all of this in my blog is to encourage you all to occasionally (and I mean rarely but more often than never) pester me about how well I'm keeping up with my own goals/schedule. :) I'll probably regret saying that, but oh well. :)

Titles are important

2005-12-08T10:24:00.000-05:00

I have to say that animal behavior can be a pretty interesting field. Check out two of the articles I picked to read for our lab meeting today:

1. Virgin doves and mated hawks: contest behavior in a spider.
When I was browsing the literature for a new paper (that didn't involve social insects), this one immediately popped out -- what a cool title!! First of all, it evokes an image of fighting spiders, which is totally cool. Second, it hints at the game theoretic underpinnings of the pape. Yay game theory! And the paper is fairly interesting - at least, the parts that map behavior onto a game theory framework are interesting. My favorite sentence: "However, the situation in (this species) is made more complex by the fact that females often consume some of their mate's legs during copulation." Hehe.

2. Independence, not conflict, characterizes dart-shooting and sperm exchange in a hermaphroditic snail.
Okay, the only reason this titled popped out at me was because it used the word "conflict." The "dart-shooting" and "hermaphroditic snail" are thrown into the title as sort of afterthoughts. Apparently this species of snail pierces its partner with a spike-like object during mating (each snail acts as both a male and a female during mating), and while the spike somehow promotes sperm survival for the donor snail, the costs to the recipient snail are not known. The study didn't find any costs (and thus any evidence for conflict), so it wasn't as cool as I was expecting, but I have to say that they at least could have made the title a lot more interesting. Well, at least the paper had a cool picture. :)

Integrating by parts

2005-12-05T14:01:00.000-05:00

Here are a bunch of quick and random thoughts from my life:

1. I greatly enjoy talking with people who I haven’t talked with for at least several (6-7) months. This happened to me four times this weekend.

2. Ear plugs are a wonderful invention. They are especially useful when: a) you are playing bells in a space where the sound bounces back and forth right by your head and b) your director asks you to play fortissimo at all times.

3. I want a robotic vacuum. A compsci friend (a.k.a. geek) in my program has convinced me that these are really cool. I actually believe him.

4. Sunday nights are always agonizing. There’s nothing bad about Mondays, but switching back into the work week must require some major change of mindset for me, because ever since midway through college I spend hours almost every Sunday night just thinking (obsessing) about stuff. It may be necessary for some odd reason, but I think it’s fundamentally unhealthy.

5. Writing a letter of both recommendation and gratitude for a Bucknell math professor I had is extremely difficult. It’s difficult because I have a hard time imagining how college would have gone without his advice, guidance, and friendship. The 1100-word letter I turned in last night seems like such a feeble attempt, but it’s the best I can do.

6. I will never truly decide what I’m looking for in life until I find it. If that happens.

7. Hearing guys gush about falling in love is incredibly cute. It’s even cuter when they are nerds who have recently proposed/gotten married to other nerds. This gives me hope.

8. Many people like to embarrass me. I just hope that I can get revenge someday. :)

9. Three guys from my freshman hall are married now. All I can say is…wow. My main memories of them involve them playing networked Quake games and making up weird rules of punishment for each other (I closed the door to my dorm room and hid during such events).

10. I am excited to go home for Christmas. Is it December 25th yet?

Out of control

2005-12-03T20:03:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel completely out of control of my life. Well, I guess that's not true. I have some control, but it definitely feels constrained and limited. Sometimes this is a nice feeling - it is comforting. Sometimes this is not a nice feeling - it is stifling.

I suppose I can use the analogy of being in a music ensemble during a concert (surprising, right?). The concert starts. I know what I'm supposed to do. I read the music and I follow notes on the page -- I follow both the musical notes and the reminder notes I've written on the page. I watch the director, who gives an aspect of interpretation that may or may not depend on the environment (while the dynamics she gives may depend on the space in which we're playing or her mood on a particular day, the downbeats are unchanging). Between following the written music and following the director, I usually know what I should be doing. And...that's how I play. Because I follow the music and the director, I play as if I am not in control. And the concert goes well as a result.

But sometimes it strikes me that I can be in control. During any performance, I can purposely choose to play a wrong note. I can play forte when the dynamic level is pianissimo. Heck, I can set down my instrument and walk off the stage! It's an odd feeling -- I can do these things if I choose to, but I never have in a concert (well, at least not purposely). If I did that, the concert would fall apart.

But sometimes I really want to take control, just to remind myself that I can. For example, in our last handbell rehearsal, my stand partner and I were feeling silly and a bit bored with one of the pieces, and we decided to take matters into our own hands. The tempo of the piece is...well, slower than it should be, and so during an eighth note run, we glanced at each other and started rushing our notes. The effect was startling -- the entire choir sped up, and as a result we couldn't stop giggling for the rest of the piece. It was sortof amazing to find out how much control we actually had, but that's why groups like this have a director. She's keeping the tempo fairly slow for some good reasons. And though the slow tempo can be annoying, it's clearly not in the best interest of the group to let everyone take control whenever they want. So we resort to a scheme where we have control, but we choose to not use it. It's a constrained sort of control. And while I do want certain pieces to go faster, ultimately my good self knows that it is best to have the concert go well.

But anyway, sometimes life feels like this. I feel like I have some control, but I feel an obligation to respect that this control should be constrained and limited. In essence, I feel a responsibility to act as if I don't have any control. I've decided that this causes annoying consequences. Annoying consequences include: what I want is somehow a function of what God/the rest of the world wants, I have to police myself so that I don't decide to take control (like I did in the bell rehearsal), and I have to convince myself that sometimes my immediate reactions to life have to placed on the back burner.

Having the concert go well is most important.

Add a dash of patience

2005-11-30T08:36:00.000-05:00

Christmas is almost here, and I'm becoming more anxious, excited, and relieved by the day. I will finally get back home again! My grand plans include, simply, spending time with my family (including the dogs and cat) and friends. I miss my PA friends a great deal. As for my non-MI and non-PA friends, well, yeah. Eventually I'll see you again. :)

In many ways I think that Christmas is a kind of homecoming. It's about remembering what you really value and reconnecting with your roots. I change in small ways from year to year, and Christmas gives me the opportunity to compare my latest self with my older self in a familiar context. The context is familiar because I'm back in the house I grew up in and on break from many of the pressures from school. When I begin to look back and compare, I find that I am amused at the type of presents that no longer amuse me as well as the ones that still do. I enjoy seeing the changes in my friends over the years -- several of my high school friends are married or engaged now. I pray differently now than I used to, but sometimes I'm amazed and/or dismayed at how similar my requests and struggles are from year to year. And even though I love celebrating Christmas with my parents and bro and puppies, I am starting to look forward to celebrating Christmas with a spouse and a family of my own. This "family" shall, of course, include several golden retrievers...;)

Recordings

2005-11-20T15:05:00.000-05:00

I was reading this article today, and it set me to thinking. My thoughts are:

1. I understand the author's point. But having the bar there or not there doesn't really affect me unless I'm listening to the piece for the very first time. If I'm listening to a piece I've already heard before, I may be lost in the music but I still have a general sense for the time-based location of the current passage. In other words, I have developed an intrinsic counter that is not at all unlike an electronic counter.

2. One of the most fascinating things about listening to a new (previously unheard) piece of music is that you do abandon clock time and you fall into musical time. You don't know when the piece will end. You don' t know if and when previous melodic themes will be woven into the piece at a later point. You don't know which instruments will have supporting roles or solos (okay, with the occasional exception of concertos...)

3. The ideas in this article can be applied to all sorts of neat things, like personal development or conversations or friendships. Clock time is not equal to development time, or conversation time, or friendship time. A lot of time I find myself wanting answers about life...but if I had those answers, I wouldn't be as intrigued and on-the-edge-of-my-seat about my life.

4. Yes, I'm comparing life to listening to a new piece of classical music...I realize that I am insane. :) Let it be known that my life is NOT a Haydn piece (my life is not boring). It is NOT a Mozart piece (my life is not predictable). I hope that it isn't a John Cage piece, or a minimalist piece, or anything that's too wacky and interesting only from the sense of patterns and formulas and algorithms. I don't think that I want my life to be any type of a concerto (I'm really not comfortable with solos that continue throughout an entire piece of music, though occasional solos are certainly fine and fun even). I'll have to think more about what classical music might fit my life...it will be a fun exercise. Creative suggestions are welcome. :)

5. I'll also have to consider the possibility that my life isn't classical music at all...maybe it's hip-hop!! ;)

Once upon a time...

2005-11-20T13:42:00.000-05:00

...there was a handbell group that toured the greater Michigan area in search of the perfect audience. Okay, not really. We just play at any place that will take us in and feed us. Yes, it's handbell tour weekend, which means that we play 4 concerts in 4 days. Friday we went to St. Claire, and yesterday we were in Toledo, Ohio. Today have a concert in Eaton Rapids, and tomorrow we have one in a nursing home in Lansing. It's been an...interesting...weekend so far. :) Our concert friday was a little bit scary. And by a little bit, I mean a lot. Luckily, last night's concert was considerably better, and I'm hoping that the upward trend continues as we play more concerts.

It's funny how 4-hour rehearsals (with our director, Jane, continously pushing us to get better) cause us to get better slowly over time whereas a really scary experience in front of an audience causes us to whip ourselves into shape virtually overnight. I definitely notice the effect in myself. In rehearsals, I do a good job of recognizing and vowing to work on the musical passages that consistently are difficult for me. Meanwhile, the little mistakes that I make sporadically go by virtually unnoticed in the long-term. For example, when I play a C instead of a C# in measure 21, I think "d'oh!" but if it has never happened before, I attribute it to fatigue, I don't worry about it too much, and I forget about it quickly. But in a concert, all errors are equally bad. It doesn't matter whether or not the error is new. It doesn't matter if the error is a page-turning error or a key signature error or a not-watching-the-director error. Each error I make takes away from the musicality of the piece of music (unless it's a highly creative and ingenious error...but I don't have enough jazz training to do that). It's amazing -- I can remember just about every error that I made in last night's concert -- and I can guarantee that I'll be anticipating those places in the music and being extra careful to play correctly. It makes me wonder how many of these same errors I've made in rehearsals before and have promptly forgotten because it was merely rehearsal and merely a "silly" mistake. And it's funny how many parallels we can draw between music and real life...:)

Oh! And I liked the church we played at in Toledo yesterday. There were cool organ pipes in the balcony. Yay for organ pipes. And I met someone who has worked with Dr. Payn (my bell director at Bucknell), so we struck up a conversation about DP's wonderfully artistic conducting style. AND, right before my bell group walked onto stage, the pastor of the church made some brief comments...INCLUDING telling us the score of the PSU-MSU game (3-0 at that point)!!!

In other news, I had a great morning on friday. I attended an absolutely incredible zoology seminar that morning. The seminar was given by a job candidate for the zoology department, and she was a good speaker. And her research is so incredibly cool. She's been documenting genetic chimerism in marmosets. What does that mean? Basically, marmosets have a high frequency of fraternal twinning. During early development inside the mother, the fraternal twins will occasionally exchange genetic information (chimerism). This has some way-cool implications for genetically-based cooperation and conflict (which is, in my opinion, one of the coolest topics in biology. Not that I'm biased). For an example, say this exchange of genetic info takes place between a male and a female twin. Then the male has his sister's genetic info. Later in life, he mates with a female in the population...but due to the the random segregation of genes in meiosis, he passes along his sister's traits to his future progeny. For the new baby marmoset, now, its genetic father is actually its aunt!! So cool...and this job candidate lady is now examining the implications of genetic chimerism on aspects of parental and alloparental care (for example, does the aunt/genetic father of the baby hold it more often than "normal" aunt marmosets do to their nieces? her work to date suggests that this may be so). Anyway, I'm not summarizing the talk very well here, but I'll just say that it's probably one of the top 3 coolest talks (on any subject) I've ever attended.

The job talk seminar was also very cute. I got into the seminar room and noticed this vase full of roses of all different colors sitting on a display case in the back of the room. My one committee member noticed me looking at it and remarked that the flowers had just arrived -- the job candidate's husband had ordered them to be shipped to the zoology department in time for her talk. I couldn't believe how cute that was...maybe I've just grown too accustomed to academia being uber-professional.

And for my one friend...I have two words. Rabid. Wolf. :)

Hide and Seek

2005-11-14T00:03:00.000-05:00

One of my most favorite games as a kid was (is?) hide and seek. Since I usually played it with the same group of people, we put a lot of time and energy into finding the very best places to hide and the best ways to be sneaky about finding people (we always played the variant in which the hiders are allowed to freely move about and change hiding spots). I still remember my two favorite hiding "spots" in my house. The first spot was underneath the dining room table. When all four chairs were tucked in, I could just manage to fit right under the table but on top of the chair seats, such that the tablecloth draped over the edge completely covered me from sight. The second was in the coat closet. We kept our winter boots in there on the floor, and Mom had this one pair of boots that went up to her knees. So I'd put my feet in her boots and then wrap myself in a long coat on one of the hangers, so that anyone who peeked in still just saw a row of boots on the floor and a row of coats along the wall. Oh, and the only reason that I'm revealing these secret locations now is that my body and my feet are too big to squeeze into any of those spots anymore. :)

One thing I remember well about hide and seek is that I highly preferred hiding to seeking. In fact, sometimes when I was "it," I'd simply hide and wait for one of the hiders to walk by as they were changing locations. Ah, that was fun.

I think that this tendency to prefer hiding to seeking has carried over into a lot of the rest of my life. But unfortunately, I don't think that hiding is a good strategy in the real world. It works for a little while, and maybe in some circumstances better than others, but then it just gets lonely. And if I put all of my creative effort into finding good hiding spaces or strategies, I'm probably missing out on a lot of cool opportunities. But in real life, if I'm not hiding, does that imply that I'm seeking? Not necessarily, I suppose. Seeking takes extra extra energy...wonderful! :) And then there's the added worry about what exactly it is that I'm seeking...

I guess that I can't go wrong with the advice in this song (I think the lyrics come from some book or something):
"Seek ye first the kingdom of God
And his righteousness..."

Ack, now I can hear my 3rd grade teacher singing this song...apparently this has been a good night for nostalgia to take root.

So true...

2005-11-01T19:55:00.000-05:00

This is my favorite tv-based quote of the week:

"We'll simply set a new course for that empty region over there. Near that black-ish hole-ish thing."
~Futurama

Hehehe...I don't even watch Futurama, but a friend likes to keep me updated with the good quotes from that show, and I'm more than happy to listen! Anyway, this quote reminds me of my life sometimes. I hate it when I think that I detect a trap ahead and I fall into it anyway. This seems to occur regularly in the grad school setting, and I'm getting better with it over time. "It" refers to both detecting the black hole and preventing myself from steering towards the black hole. But, I still have a VERY long way to go. Let's just say that I'm not a big fan of "black-ish hole-ish" consequences.

But setting the seriousness aside, the quote is definitely funny on its own. I should come up with a list of favorite quotes from some of my favorite shows. Unfortunately, when I don't write them down right away, I tend to forget them. But here are a few that I love:

"If you boys try anything, ANYTHING, I will be ON you like a rainbow on an oil slick."
~Hal, from Malcolm in the Middle

"They taste like burning!"
~Ralph Wiggum, from the Simpsons (in response to a question about the taste of some berries he tried)

"I was imprisoned for a crime I didn't even commit! Attempted murder--now, seriously, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?"
~Sideshow Bob, from the Simpsons. And actually I like just about any Sideshow Bob quote. :)

"Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They just made a terrible life choice."
~Marge Simpson

"Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. (*nothing happens*)... OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. (*nothing happens*)... Thy will be done."
~Homer Simpson

Bart: Oh, I'm starving! Mom, can we go Catholic so we can get communion wafers and booze?
Marge: No, no one's going Catholic. Three children is enough, thank you.

Art has its appeal...

2005-10-28T14:49:00.000-04:00

Although I'm not too familiar with art in general, modern art usually doesn't do anything for me. But, I have to say that MoMA in NYC currently has one exhibit I'd love to visit: Janet Cardiff's The Forty-Part Motet. Yup, Tallis' Spem in Alium strikes again! Although...I think I'd rather hear a live performance, even if I couldn't walk amongst the choir members as they sang.

For those of you who are interested, I've found a great classical music blog. Now I can get my daily news from this site and from cnn.com (which, um, rarely covers my type of music in its entertainment section). :)

Oh, and woohoo weekend!

Tallis = amazing

2005-10-26T17:16:00.000-04:00

I just finished some programming at the radio station I volunteer for. No, not computer programming...music programming! I had fun trying to use their database of music (over 62,000 cds) to fill an afternoon time slot with music. It was fun, and I'm definitely going to have to familiarize myself with more classical pieces of music if I want to get better at this. Gee...that's just too bad. ;)

Anyway, at one point I was looking for a short piece from the modern music genre. So I decided to search for a piece that is pi minutes long...well, pi to two decimal places. When I did that, I found a solo piano piece called "The Pig Town Fling." And...it's composed by a guy named Ernst BACON! Highly amused, I popped in the cd and listened to the piece, and it was very cute and will make a great addition to the classical hour. :)

I was going to leave the radio station a little awhile ago, but I wanted to talk music while I was thinking about it. Oh, and I guess that I don't want to leave the station right this second because I'm waiting 'till the end of a beautiful Thomas Tallis piece (Spem in Alium - written for eight 5-part choirs!!).

So what do I usually do at this radio station? I write commentaries for the announcers. These commentaries are meant to introduce a piece of music or a composer. Here's an example of one that I wrote earlier this year. I love having a chance to actually like learning about history. :)

Tarantella for Flute, Clarinet, and Piano (by Camille Saint-Saens)

What can you do to ward off the ill effects of a tarantula’s bite? Well, many people in the Middle Ages believed that you could thwart the hallucinogenic effects of the spider’s poison by frantic dancing. This belief eventually formed the basis for the tarantella, a dance in which couples whirl and twirl and change directions as the music, typically in 6/8 time, becomes faster and faster. We’ll listen today to the Tarantella for Flute, Clarinet, and Piano by the famous French composer Camille Saint-Saens. As you listen, imagine an amused tarantula watching its victims from a distance.

Happiness!

2005-10-22T14:31:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm very happy that it's a saturday today. I got a decent amount of sleep last night, I had fun at piano lessons this morning, and I'm looking forward to watching the PSU game and going salsa dancing tonight.

And I sat down at my computer to update my blog, but I can't really think of anything to say. Oh yes, except that I found myself in an out-of-the-ordinary setting yesterday, and I enjoyed myself (which was sortof surprising). Basically, I went to a happy hour and had a fun time, even though drinking and inhaling smoke is not really my thing (I wasn't actually drinking or smoking, just around people who were). I think that I enjoyed it because it was different, if that makes any sense. I got to chat with people who are quite different than a lot of my friends and I felt like I once again saw a perspective on life that I haven't been exposed to much since college. Why do I care that I re-discovered this perspective? I'm not sure, although I have some theories.

So that's all for now. :) If anyone has suggestions of things I should write about, let me know. Otherwise, you might end up with a poem about chocolate or an ode to Rachmaninoff or something like that. :)

Childish curiosity

2005-10-19T08:28:00.000-04:00

Curiosity can be a very good thing. It can also be incrediby frustrating. To me, curiosity is like the opposity of apathy, and while I'm generally not a big fan of apathy, there is a time and a place for it. Right?

What makes either curiosity or apathy bad? Well, we might think that our curiosity is misplaced when it is not realistic that we will find an answer: curiosity becomes "bad" when we experience a negative feeling like frustration. We might think our apathy is misplaced when we notice missed opportunities: apathy becomes "bad" when it gets in the way of a positive feeling like understanding. But I don't think things are always that clear-cut. I think that curiosity can be bad even when it leads to positive feelings, and I think that apathy can be bad even when it doesn't prevent us from a positive feeling.

I wonder how much curiosity and apathy hinder us from living a healthy life. Misplaced curiosity can be very, very bad. Misplaced apathy can be very, very bad. I can pinpoint situations in my life (both in the past and present) where I wish I felt more curious towards certain things and more apathetic towards others. But there is a balance to strike. To me, the danger of curiosity is that it can lead to obsessive attachment, and the danger of apathy is that it can lead to protective detachment. Now, I don't think that either trait is fundamentally bad; it depends on the situation. After all, the world would be dull and static without curiosity and frantic and competitive without apathy.

I also wonder how much curiosity and apathy interact to allow us to live a healthy life. Perhaps they serve as sources of positive and negative feedback in a regulatory system. For example, when I discover a new idea X, feelings of curiosity may lead me to seek out more information on X. As I build up information on X, my curiosity is more satisfied and apathy begins to settle in -- not necessarily apathy about X itself, but perhaps apathy about learning more about X. As conditions change, however, it might be wise to reevaluate X -- and so curiosity kicks in again. It is easy to imagine how not having sources of either positive or negative feedback can be dangerous: if I only have curiosity, I become obsessive about X. If I only have apathy, I am never motivated to formulate ideas about X or reevaluate previous ideas when the environment changes. There's a healthy way in which these two things interact, but the balance may change depending on the subject X itself. It's probably good for me to be aware of what X's bias me more towards unhealthy curiosity and which bias me more towards unhealthy apathy.

Well, I started this post by feeling the need to explore my thoughts on this subject...and now I'm pretty much feeling like I don't want to write/think anymore about it for now. There you have it, folks -- this post is brought to you by the interaction of my own curiosity and apathy. Enjoy!

Mourningtime

2005-10-16T17:51:00.000-04:00

The Penn State game in Ann Arbor yesterday was awesome. Until the last second, that is. In the last SECOND of the game, MI scored a touchdown and catapulted themselves to victory. If you haven't read about the details of the game, you can read about it here. To make a long story short, the fourth quarter was incredibly fast-paced and tense (and exciting, except that calling it exciting makes it sound like I'm somehow happy with the outcome of the game).

We had the best seats ever though -- we were in the second row of seats, right on the 30-yard line. Joe Pa was on average 40 feet away from me the whole game. The football players were lined up in front of our seats. The Blue Band sousaphone section was 20 feet to my left. A crazy and excited PSU fan (who made the 8-hour drive from State College) was right behind us. And the MI fans surrounding us were actually pretty friendly and humorous.

Of course, all of this made things even harder when the game ended abruptly. The players hung their heads. The sousaphonists looked devastated. I could see the facial expressions of so many PSU people, and that made the ending of the game even harder.

But, it was a good (in the technical sense of the word) game. And I'm glad that I had the opportunity to go. And I'm trying to not be too down about the loss (it's only a game! And Penn State will go on to kick butt the rest of the season anyway). ;) As my friend just reminded me, I should be happy today because "today is a weekend day that isn't yesterday."

Lion pawprints on Wolverine territory

2005-10-14T19:18:00.000-04:00

Provided that our tickets arrive by fed-ex tomorrow morning, some friends and I are going to see the PSU game in ann arbor!!!! Awwww yeah!!!

The last time I was at a PSU game was...well, I can't remember the year ('98?), but it was the game where the Nittany Lion proposed to the Blue Sapphire (feature twirler) during halftime. That was pretty cute, except that I heard that they broke off their engagement later. :(

Anyway, the Blue Band will be there too, so I'm definitely excited! Can you tell? :)

A (sub)scripted life

2005-10-12T10:06:00.000-04:00

Okay, for this post, a symbol like X_y reads “X sub y”; in other words, y is a subscript.

For awhile now I have been thinking about how I sometimes act or feel or think differently in different situations. While I am generally okay with that, sometimes it bothers me; sometimes I think that my reaction should remain constant over a variety of scenarios.

In other words, often I want K_i = C for all i, where K_i refers to my reaction given some context i, and where C is a constant.

This simply isn’t always possible. So usually I’ll end up with something more like: K_i = C_i. Here, my reaction changes depending on i.

And when this happens, I find myself questioning the nature of i. What does “i” index? The person I am interacting with? My emotion of the day? Age/the passage of time? Reflection? I often tend to assume that i is some intrinsic quality of myself (my own emotional state, the amount or quality of reflection I do on a topic, etc.). And there, the question becomes when and whether I should strive to reduce (or expand) the range of i. For a weird example, should I have a different personality when interacting with each of my friends (i labels friends), or should I have just a few different personalities to choose from when interacting with friends (i has only a few values, so i labels subsets of friends), or should I always just be me (i has one value)? Just so that you’re not too worried, I don’t think about this particular case very often – besides, you all know how scatterbrained and wacko I can be!

And instead of indexing some intrinsic quality of myself, is it possible that i can sometimes index some quality about something completely external to myself? Basically, can “i” be not just an index, but an indicator? For a silly example, I’ve noticed that often K_i = good on sunny days but K_i = bad on overcast days. That suggests that i is an index for weather. Even Mom tells me that this trend was apparent back in my days in the crib (crib being a real baby crib, not ghetto slang for something else). :)

A blizzard of white

2005-10-09T11:41:00.000-04:00

Penn State won yesterday! In the words of a sports illustrated writer, "Paterno could walk away tomorrow comfortable in the knowledge that Happy Valley is hip again." Hehe...come on. When wasn't Happy Valley hip? ;) I only got to watch the last quarter of the game, but maybe that's a good thing, because I was soooo tense. I don't think I've ever been that excited about any non-olympic sporting event...ever. :) My dear friend who let me watch the game's ESPN coverage at her apartment seemed a bit surprised, but she handled it and me quite well (by offering me candy and assuring me that PSU defense wasn't going to let silly OSU score a touchdown).

I'm also happy that my town didn't riot -- supposedly there was a police helicopter hovering over the town, just in case. Hehe...I suppose there was a great potential for disaster when 109,839 (!!) fans pour out of a stadium at 11 at night (after partying all day, of course).

Jay Leno was hilarious as usual. He talked about his wacky italian family, the craziness of Los Angelos ("the only place where you can be both held at gunpoint and eaten by a mountain lion in a single day"), how women love some characteristics of cats but hate those very same ones in men, the occupations of several audience members, and his favorite topic, America's obsession with food. In reference to the fact that Dairy Queen now has a blizzard with chunks of cheesecake, he commented "cheesecake is now merely an INGREDIENT!" And Domino's double-decker pizza? "Hm, what topping would I like for my pizza? I know! How about...another pizza!"

Peeling away the layers...

2005-10-05T11:35:00.000-04:00

A friend sent an article/cartoon to me, and it's absolutely hilarious. Most of it is one-sided, and I apologize if anyone is offended, but I believe in finding humor in life.

Here's the article: "Intelligent Design Trial"

As a side note, I take this topic very seriously. As objective as it's supposed to be, I find myself to be very emotionally involved in it, and I have to watch myself. The issues behind the Dover, PA court case really play to my curiosity, my pride, my beliefs, my sense of fairness, my hopes, and to some extent my fears. Although I'm glad that I'm interested in it (since most political/current events don't really matter to me), I tend to frown upon people who defend their side as if their person/personality is being threatened. It bothers me that I probably do the same thing.

Autumn Leaves

2005-10-03T14:11:00.000-04:00

Some small but fun things I am looking forward to this month:

1. Jay Leno! He's coming to MSU this saturday and I'm going to hear him speak. I can't wait to hear the jokes about Michigan (both the school and the state), MSU, and the Lansing area. If only he would do his "headlines" segment...

2. Penn State football! Now, I don't really follow any sports or sports teams...but Penn State football is the exception. So far they are 5-0, which is (sadly) their longest winning streak in a season since my freshman year at Bucknell. I can't wait to see them cream OSU this weekend. ;)

3. Autumn activities. My roomie and I want to get to Uncle John's cider mill -- this great place nearby that makes apple cider, good fruit wines, yummy pastries, and grows and sells lots of pumpkins.

4. Nerdy math music: Sometime this month, the Klein Four Group will release their first cd. If you want to get a feel for their music, go to their website, click on media, then performances, and then on their hit "Finite Simple Group (of order 2)." I personally can't wait to hear their "Ballad of Galois."

That's about it for now. I'd say that I am looking forward to candy, but I'm still digesting a huge meal prepared by a friend last night, so maybe I'll post about that later. :)

Dream On

2005-09-22T14:35:00.000-04:00

Every person struggles with certain problems or issues for most of their life. We (hopefully) realize what these are and try to work through them. I can definitely list some stuff that I have trouble with often.

But you know what? Sometimes I feel like I can deal with all of that because I know to expect it. It’s there all the time, I’m pretty sure it’s not going away anytime soon, and I have techniques that I can apply to soften the blows. Or even if I can’t deal with it well, it’s nothing new, and I can predict what kinds of moods or response I’ll have to it. And I know that, eventually, I’ll probably drift out of those moods (and then slip back in again later). I’m picturing a sinusoidal wave here, people. I can estimate the frequency and the amplitude. It’s just a math equation with not-fun emotional consequences…but I’m used to those because I had lots of them in college (can we say real analysis II take-home exams?). ;)

So I’ve decided over the past week that what really bugs me is when I have some unexpected (bad) response to something, or when I experience some type of negative mood that doesn’t pop up very often at all in my life. The key word here is: unexpected. It really throws me off! And it really really annoys me, for a few reasons:

1. I feel silly having to confront something that usually doesn’t bother me at all.
2. I can never be sure if I’m really grappling with a new issue, or if it’s just that I’m extra vulnerable because I’m pretty sleepy or because of extremely overcast weather. The point is, maybe I wouldn’t be bothered by the same issue on a totally different day.
3. I end up spending a lot of time and energy trying to figure out why I’m actually upset about something that usually just bounces off of me…and then I wonder if thinking about it too much just makes it worse (or more likely to come to mind again)
4. I wonder if this is going to become a new, more frequent issue
5. I wonder if this is just an old issue in disguise – it could have just been triggered by something completely different than usual.

I’m not sure where I’m going with all of this (surprise surprise), but I felt like writing about it, so I did. Hm, now that I look on the list I generated above, I see a common thread: I’m bothered by feeling uncertain. So maybe new or infrequent negative emotions bother me for two reasons: because they intrinsically are upsetting, and because I’m uncertain about what they are exactly and how to deal with them. Okay, I like it when writing helps me clarify something.

By the way, the ideas in this post mainly came about from thinking about my unexpected (and still ongoing) reactions to a weird dream I had last weekend. And then I had a sad dream last night…yeesh. Is there any evidence that eating chocolate before bed causes weird dreams? If there is, I’ll have to think extra-carefully about the chocolate…but in the end, we all know which choice I’ll make anyway. ;)

Selection of a good strategy

2005-09-19T15:41:00.000-04:00

“The best science teaching reveals
not just the science of nature
but also the nature of science.”
~Rob Pennock

Rob Pennock is a philosophy of science professor at MSU, and I went to a talk given by him today over lunch. I greatly respect the dialogue he encourages between people who disagree, and I also greatly respect his ability to summarize great bodies of thought into a few succinct sentences, pictures, or assertions. He is able to channel highly abstract musings into specific, meaningful, and applicable statements. It’s pretty cool.

Random paragraph here: I first met Rob last year at a lunch discussion for a seminar speaker, but I ran into him again this past summer at a carillon concert (of all things!). We began chatting and eventually learned that we went to the same high school! Even though he graduated four years before I was born, we had the same band director. Crazy.

Anyway, I left the seminar today feeling that I have a lot to chew on. As a scientist, a once and (hopefully) future teacher, and a person in society, I felt both encouraged and challenged by the topics that he discussed.

I like it when I leave classes or seminars or conversations feeling like I’m just at the beginning of a learning process. Maybe I can figure out some good strategies for how to do that for my students when I teach again someday.

Thrill rides

2005-09-18T01:11:00.000-04:00

I love rollercoasters!

Today I went to Cedar Point with some friends from State College and MSU. I'll sum up the day by saying that I had a blast. We rode 12 rollercoasters and managed to squeeze in 15 rides total throughout the day.

And we rode Millenium Force twice!!! This coaster is my absolute favorite coaster in the entire world (so far). I love riding it at night (which we did) -- it's dark, the air is still, and the first drop is even more incredible than normal. And as you zoom along at great speeds, it feels like you're flying.

Sigh. Why can't I enjoy it so much when life feels like a rollercoaster? Maybe it's time to buckle in, put my hands up in the air, and just enjoy the ride. :)

So if you were a werewolf, would you date another werewolf? This came up as a topic of conversation in one of our waits for a coaster. I love discussing the finer points of life. :)

Award for love?

2005-09-15T08:59:00.000-04:00

This is an email that was forwarded to me a few weeks ago, and I find myself thinking about it once in awhile.

You don't actually have to take the quiz. Just read this straight through and you'll get the point. It is trying to make an awesome point!

Here's the first quiz:
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and
actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do? The facts are, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier? The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.

Beeing helpful

2005-09-11T17:26:00.000-04:00

I’m so excited!! This afternoon I signed up for piano lessons for the fall. That might sound boring…but these aren’t your typically piano lessons. First, I signed up for group lessons, which means that there will be 12 of us taking the lesson at once. Digital pianos with headphones make this possible – and these are some sweet pianos that are touch-sensitive and don’t sound midi-ish at all. I really think that the peer pressure and collaborative efforts during lessons will be good for me. Second, these lessons are on piano improvisation techniques (for several genres of music) and are therefore going to be the first non-classical piano lessons I’ve ever had. I love classical music, but it’s hard to just sit down at a piano and bust out a Rachmaninoff prelude when you really just want to dabble in sounds or pick out a song you’ve heard on the radio. We’re starting the lessons with two weeks of 12-bar blues techniques, which is so sweet. Well, I should say that it’s sweet as long as I’m not coerced into scat singing again like I was when I first learned blues theory in a college course…:)

I experienced a lot of emotion when I visited the piano studio (today was the studio’s open house). See, this studio is being opened by our church’s pianist Ben, who’s an absolutely incredible player. He just graduated from MSU with his master’s degree (in piano performance), and is making a major transition from student to teacher. And our church, our huge huge hard-to-get-to-know-anyone church, is being soooo supportive. We said some prayers for Ben at the end of mass today, and then I saw many familiar faces at the open house this afternoon. It was nice to chat with them for a bit and see Ben being swamped with eager kids and adults for all of his various classes. This should also be an opportunity to get to know some musical people from my church, which will be nice – for example, our new music director is taking the improv lessons with me!

Anyway, I really like to see groups of people supporting individuals within (and outside of) the group. When this happens, I see people feeling more confident of their ability to help and more giving of their time and support. We learn that we don’t have to do everything – rather, each person can contribute in one or two small ways. And this knowledge often moves us from feeling overwhelmed and frozen in place to becoming helpful and mobile. When these individually-chosen contributions are combined, a close-knit web of support emerges.

In biology and robotics, this emergent sort of phenomenon is called “self-organization,” and it’s some really cool stuff. I have to remember to apply some of my research goals/musings and geeky social insect knowledge to humans more often, because it’s interesting to think about across a wide variety of topics. :)