Out of control

Sometimes I feel completely out of control of my life. Well, I guess that's not true. I have some control, but it definitely feels constrained and limited. Sometimes this is a nice feeling - it is comforting. Sometimes this is not a nice feeling - it is stifling.

I suppose I can use the analogy of being in a music ensemble during a concert (surprising, right?). The concert starts. I know what I'm supposed to do. I read the music and I follow notes on the page -- I follow both the musical notes and the reminder notes I've written on the page. I watch the director, who gives an aspect of interpretation that may or may not depend on the environment (while the dynamics she gives may depend on the space in which we're playing or her mood on a particular day, the downbeats are unchanging). Between following the written music and following the director, I usually know what I should be doing. And...that's how I play. Because I follow the music and the director, I play as if I am not in control. And the concert goes well as a result.

But sometimes it strikes me that I can be in control. During any performance, I can purposely choose to play a wrong note. I can play forte when the dynamic level is pianissimo. Heck, I can set down my instrument and walk off the stage! It's an odd feeling -- I can do these things if I choose to, but I never have in a concert (well, at least not purposely). If I did that, the concert would fall apart.

But sometimes I really want to take control, just to remind myself that I can. For example, in our last handbell rehearsal, my stand partner and I were feeling silly and a bit bored with one of the pieces, and we decided to take matters into our own hands. The tempo of the piece is...well, slower than it should be, and so during an eighth note run, we glanced at each other and started rushing our notes. The effect was startling -- the entire choir sped up, and as a result we couldn't stop giggling for the rest of the piece. It was sortof amazing to find out how much control we actually had, but that's why groups like this have a director. She's keeping the tempo fairly slow for some good reasons. And though the slow tempo can be annoying, it's clearly not in the best interest of the group to let everyone take control whenever they want. So we resort to a scheme where we have control, but we choose to not use it. It's a constrained sort of control. And while I do want certain pieces to go faster, ultimately my good self knows that it is best to have the concert go well.

But anyway, sometimes life feels like this. I feel like I have some control, but I feel an obligation to respect that this control should be constrained and limited. In essence, I feel a responsibility to act as if I don't have any control. I've decided that this causes annoying consequences. Annoying consequences include: what I want is somehow a function of what God/the rest of the world wants, I have to police myself so that I don't decide to take control (like I did in the bell rehearsal), and I have to convince myself that sometimes my immediate reactions to life have to placed on the back burner.

Having the concert go well is most important.