Reflections on reflections
I'm sick of looking at myself in the mirror of the world -- I'm sick of obtaining an image of myself based on the wacky and unreadable signals of those around me in the world.
I find myself wondering...is it bad or good when:
- A smile from a near-stranger makes me feel attractive
- A smile from a stranger makes me feel awkward and uncertain
- Praise from a faculty member makes me feel more confident
- A harsh comment from a faculty member makes me feel ashamed
- A good week gives me inspiration and ambition
- A bad week casts a shadow of fear on situations
- A friend's concern allows me to feel welcome and loved
- A friend's lack of concern prevents me from feeling welcomed and loved
Some of the greatest pain I've experienced stems from when some experience with another person or group of people makes me feel alone or isolated. The pain stems not necessarily from just feeling lonely, but from feeling somehow...disposable. It hurts when the world, or at least our world, reflects an image that conveys to us the notion that our feelings, our views, or even our person is simply disposable.
I know that I'm supposed to obtain my value from one source -- God. And it gives me comfort to know that in His eyes, the value and dignity of all human beings is equal -- none of us are disposable.
No matter what the world says, no matter what your world says, you are not disposable.
It may take throwing out or smashing the mirror to see this, but if that's what's necessary, so be it. Besides, what's 7 years of bad luck in the grand scheme of life?
posted by Katie @ 12:48 AM
4 Comments:
Looks like the Johari was dead on regarding the "reflective" trait. ;)
Following a crazy week of work so far, I have a moment of downtime as this post finally appears in my RSS reader. That means you get a comment from me. ;)
My experience is that it's futile and irrelevant to decide whether what one feels is "good" or not. Feelings are an involuntary response to stimuli, and doubting your response only adds negative stimuli. The better question, if one insists on asking questions (as you and I both do ;), is whether we choose to respond in a productive way to those feelings. (And for what it's worth, what you feel in the given circumstances is not unusual, and I certainly wouldn't call it bad.)
The subject of personal value is one I've been questioning a lot recently. And since I get no value from any deities, my approach to the subject is obviously more secular: my value is what I create. My value to my company is the effectiveness with which I write code. My value to you is in my ridiculous puns, my pseudo-philosophical blog comments, and my incessant demands for chess games.
I often wish I had more value to more people, but I have to admit I haven't been active in making that happen. I've been spending more time increasing my value to myself. Although it does hurt sometimes that the value doesn't spread to others as I would like, the truth is that I have invested in myself. And even if someone devalues me (if a friendship fizzles, for example), it's an opportunity for reinvestment. Perhaps this would be a good time to expand my theory of social economics...
Anyway, I hope that made some sense. I know I can ramble sometimes.
Katie, I think we should talk :)
Thought provoking. Reminds me of an idea I read that divided needs into three categories, loosely core, personal, and casual.
Core were needs central to our welbeing, and ones that only God can meet (e.g. identity, value)
Personal were important (love, warmth from friends)
Casual were mostly circumstantal (chocolate).
The point was that while we strongly desire all three, we can do without personal or casual if our core needs are being met by God. We may be disappointed that a friend wasn't warm, but we aren't destroyed. On the other hand, we do very badly when our core needs aren't being met by God, even when our casual / personal needs are filled...and shortcomings (e.g. chocolate theft) can send us over the edge.
Not sure if I buy it, but I like the way it accepts genuine emotion in response to circumstance without displacing God as central. Now achieving that balance...hrm...much harder.
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