Ideals

Hm, combine the fact that I'm human with the fact that I used to be a math major. The result is that I like for things to be tangible, well-defined, and logical.

Or, in other words, exactly opposite to how life usually operates.

The past couple of weeks, for who knows why, I've had trouble feeling and sensing God's presence around me. It seems ridiculous because I've had some really good experiences, and I've witnessed people working for God and for others. But still, I feel frustrated. I want God to be more tangible, and I want His creation (including me) to act in more logical and loving ways.

In Mass today, we sang a song that usually doesn't do much for me because I don't really like the melody. But today the lyrics really stuck out and challenged me. In particular, the following line terrified me:

(God speaking): "Will you let me answer prayer in you?"

That question, for me at least, is really challenging. Will I let God use me to help answer the prayers of others? What are those prayers? How much initiative should I take in this process -- do I wait for God to hit me over the head or do I consistently and willingly give to others? When something hurts, could it be because I'm more focused on what I want than what God wants? How am I letting God answer prayer in me when I act selfishly? When I hole up and hide from the world? When I find excuses to not participate in whatever activity God might be calling me to do?

Yes, this entry is a bit choppy. Somehow these points seem very connected in my mind, but I can't really articulate it very well right now.