Dream On

Every person struggles with certain problems or issues for most of their life. We (hopefully) realize what these are and try to work through them. I can definitely list some stuff that I have trouble with often.

But you know what? Sometimes I feel like I can deal with all of that because I know to expect it. It’s there all the time, I’m pretty sure it’s not going away anytime soon, and I have techniques that I can apply to soften the blows. Or even if I can’t deal with it well, it’s nothing new, and I can predict what kinds of moods or response I’ll have to it. And I know that, eventually, I’ll probably drift out of those moods (and then slip back in again later). I’m picturing a sinusoidal wave here, people. I can estimate the frequency and the amplitude. It’s just a math equation with not-fun emotional consequences…but I’m used to those because I had lots of them in college (can we say real analysis II take-home exams?). ;)

So I’ve decided over the past week that what really bugs me is when I have some unexpected (bad) response to something, or when I experience some type of negative mood that doesn’t pop up very often at all in my life. The key word here is: unexpected. It really throws me off! And it really really annoys me, for a few reasons:

1. I feel silly having to confront something that usually doesn’t bother me at all.
2. I can never be sure if I’m really grappling with a new issue, or if it’s just that I’m extra vulnerable because I’m pretty sleepy or because of extremely overcast weather. The point is, maybe I wouldn’t be bothered by the same issue on a totally different day.
3. I end up spending a lot of time and energy trying to figure out why I’m actually upset about something that usually just bounces off of me…and then I wonder if thinking about it too much just makes it worse (or more likely to come to mind again)
4. I wonder if this is going to become a new, more frequent issue
5. I wonder if this is just an old issue in disguise – it could have just been triggered by something completely different than usual.

I’m not sure where I’m going with all of this (surprise surprise), but I felt like writing about it, so I did. Hm, now that I look on the list I generated above, I see a common thread: I’m bothered by feeling uncertain. So maybe new or infrequent negative emotions bother me for two reasons: because they intrinsically are upsetting, and because I’m uncertain about what they are exactly and how to deal with them. Okay, I like it when writing helps me clarify something.

By the way, the ideas in this post mainly came about from thinking about my unexpected (and still ongoing) reactions to a weird dream I had last weekend. And then I had a sad dream last night…yeesh. Is there any evidence that eating chocolate before bed causes weird dreams? If there is, I’ll have to think extra-carefully about the chocolate…but in the end, we all know which choice I’ll make anyway. ;)

Selection of a good strategy

“The best science teaching reveals
not just the science of nature
but also the nature of science.”
~Rob Pennock

Rob Pennock is a philosophy of science professor at MSU, and I went to a talk given by him today over lunch. I greatly respect the dialogue he encourages between people who disagree, and I also greatly respect his ability to summarize great bodies of thought into a few succinct sentences, pictures, or assertions. He is able to channel highly abstract musings into specific, meaningful, and applicable statements. It’s pretty cool.

Random paragraph here: I first met Rob last year at a lunch discussion for a seminar speaker, but I ran into him again this past summer at a carillon concert (of all things!). We began chatting and eventually learned that we went to the same high school! Even though he graduated four years before I was born, we had the same band director. Crazy.

Anyway, I left the seminar today feeling that I have a lot to chew on. As a scientist, a once and (hopefully) future teacher, and a person in society, I felt both encouraged and challenged by the topics that he discussed.

I like it when I leave classes or seminars or conversations feeling like I’m just at the beginning of a learning process. Maybe I can figure out some good strategies for how to do that for my students when I teach again someday.

Thrill rides

I love rollercoasters!

Today I went to Cedar Point with some friends from State College and MSU. I'll sum up the day by saying that I had a blast. We rode 12 rollercoasters and managed to squeeze in 15 rides total throughout the day.

And we rode Millenium Force twice!!! This coaster is my absolute favorite coaster in the entire world (so far). I love riding it at night (which we did) -- it's dark, the air is still, and the first drop is even more incredible than normal. And as you zoom along at great speeds, it feels like you're flying.

Sigh. Why can't I enjoy it so much when life feels like a rollercoaster? Maybe it's time to buckle in, put my hands up in the air, and just enjoy the ride. :)

So if you were a werewolf, would you date another werewolf? This came up as a topic of conversation in one of our waits for a coaster. I love discussing the finer points of life. :)

Award for love?

This is an email that was forwarded to me a few weeks ago, and I find myself thinking about it once in awhile.

You don't actually have to take the quiz. Just read this straight through and you'll get the point. It is trying to make an awesome point!

Here's the first quiz:
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and
actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do? The facts are, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier? The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.

Beeing helpful

I’m so excited!! This afternoon I signed up for piano lessons for the fall. That might sound boring…but these aren’t your typically piano lessons. First, I signed up for group lessons, which means that there will be 12 of us taking the lesson at once. Digital pianos with headphones make this possible – and these are some sweet pianos that are touch-sensitive and don’t sound midi-ish at all. I really think that the peer pressure and collaborative efforts during lessons will be good for me. Second, these lessons are on piano improvisation techniques (for several genres of music) and are therefore going to be the first non-classical piano lessons I’ve ever had. I love classical music, but it’s hard to just sit down at a piano and bust out a Rachmaninoff prelude when you really just want to dabble in sounds or pick out a song you’ve heard on the radio. We’re starting the lessons with two weeks of 12-bar blues techniques, which is so sweet. Well, I should say that it’s sweet as long as I’m not coerced into scat singing again like I was when I first learned blues theory in a college course…:)

I experienced a lot of emotion when I visited the piano studio (today was the studio’s open house). See, this studio is being opened by our church’s pianist Ben, who’s an absolutely incredible player. He just graduated from MSU with his master’s degree (in piano performance), and is making a major transition from student to teacher. And our church, our huge huge hard-to-get-to-know-anyone church, is being soooo supportive. We said some prayers for Ben at the end of mass today, and then I saw many familiar faces at the open house this afternoon. It was nice to chat with them for a bit and see Ben being swamped with eager kids and adults for all of his various classes. This should also be an opportunity to get to know some musical people from my church, which will be nice – for example, our new music director is taking the improv lessons with me!

Anyway, I really like to see groups of people supporting individuals within (and outside of) the group. When this happens, I see people feeling more confident of their ability to help and more giving of their time and support. We learn that we don’t have to do everything – rather, each person can contribute in one or two small ways. And this knowledge often moves us from feeling overwhelmed and frozen in place to becoming helpful and mobile. When these individually-chosen contributions are combined, a close-knit web of support emerges.

In biology and robotics, this emergent sort of phenomenon is called “self-organization,” and it’s some really cool stuff. I have to remember to apply some of my research goals/musings and geeky social insect knowledge to humans more often, because it’s interesting to think about across a wide variety of topics. :)

Brass roots

Tonight I spent time with my handbell choir, and I had a blast. Although there are people my age in it, the majority of the members are adults (well, technically speaking). It’s nice to hang out with older people and remind myself that life is a big huge thing (yeah, it’s late, so forgive my advanced word choice). Some of these people have been through divorce, others are expecting grandkids soon, and others…well, let’s just say that they never grew up and are kids at heart. :) One thing I love is the gentle teasing that goes on in the group -- we’re all fairly comfortable around each other, and as a result no one is ever allowed to take himself/herself too seriously. As I looked around at everyone tonight, I realized that we really thrive on bringing out the quirks of each person in the group. And every time we encourage someone’s quirkiness and he/she responds appropriately, lots of laughter and glee follow. And the cycle continues. Add a hot tub, pizza, hawaiian shirts, and music, and the night only gets better. :)

In other news, this week was a great week for talking with people about music (different styles of music, and technicalities and nuances in music). After growing up in such a music/band culture, it’s been weird to be out in MI, where a lot of people I know aren’t active in performing ensembles (my roomie and handbell people excluded). :) I’m completely convinced that being part of a musical group teaches you a lot of really good lessons about life, and gives you a healthy perspective about your role in the world. If nothing else, you at least learn to twirl drumsticks...and count to 4 (and 2 and 3 and 6 and 7 and 8 and maybe 11 if you're lucky). :)

The kernel of my goals

So a person in my program stopped into my office this morning to chat for a bit, and we got on the subject of motivation and deadlines. I was actually just reading about those things last night, so it was sort of funny that it came up in conversation less than twelve hours later.

Anyway, I think that it’s important to motivate myself to do certain things. That’s a no-brainer. But what I do end up wondering is how to best motivate myself…and whether or not I’m choosing a good strategy. I’m not just worried about choosing an effective strategy; I’m worried about choosing a strategy that is healthy for me. For example, I could reward myself with candy corn after I finish a task, but the danger is that I will just make myself sick on a day when I’m super-productive (this alone might even deter me from being super-productive again).

When I try to map motivation onto the identity I wish to achieve, I find that the motivation I tend to use falls into one of two camps: internal or external in origin. Sometimes I can rely on my own wishes, desires, hard work, and ambitions to move myself from point A to point B. I like when that happens…it lets me know that I really value something, or that I’m excited about something, or that I’m really convinced that I need to buckle down and do something. Yay for internal motivation. :)

Sometimes, though, I find that I need an extra “kick” to do the job. Usually, this “kick” comes from an external source, like a deadline or peer pressure or knowing that I’m affecting someone else with my actions. The question then becomes: is my occasional reliance on external motivation a bad thing? If I know that having someone (my advisor, my bank, a friend) impose a deadline for me will help me accomplish an otherwise difficult task, is that okay? Or should I just naturally want to complete my thesis on time (hah!), pay my bills on time, and hold myself accountable for my actions? Similarly, if I am acting in ways that can hurt myself and hurt others, is it bad when it’s the “hurting others” part that will encourage me most to stop? Shouldn’t I want to stop because I feel hurt too? (Note that it can also be really bad if I only want to stop because I’m hurting, which blatantly disregards the other people in the picture).

When I do consciously decide to use external motivation to accomplish something, I usually do it with the hope that it will eventually feed back into internal motivation. But I don’t know how much I push myself to actually make that happen. Usually, when we see results, we stop right there. And if a similar case comes up in the future, we continue with the method that got us to our goals. So I guess one thing for me to keep in mind is that I should question the amount of motivation I have for motivating myself in healthy ways. Okay, that’s confusing. But it’s probably understandable and do-able with enough thought…and motivation (yes, feel free to groan). :)

Skittles

Which of your senses would you least like to lose? We've all probably gotten that question before, and it's a tough one. But, I'd like to instead think about a happier scenario, inspired by a cool word I ran across the other day: synaesthesia. Synaesthesia is a condition in which a person experiences a mixing of the senses. For example, in one of the most common cases of synaesthesia, people will associate certain letters of the alphabet with certain colors (so maybe R is orange and T is green). Another (very strange) instance is that some people can "taste" different tactile sensations (for example, a smooth surface might generate a sweeter taste sensation than a jagged surface does). Yes, it's all very weird...but I think that it's very, very cool.

I was thinking about which forms of synaesthesia might be most appealing to me. I think that I'd like to see colors for musical chords. Those colors can be based on either: the root of the chord (yay for a way to develop perfect pitch), the chord's name in relation to the key of the piece (this one is most preferable to me), or the type of chord (diminished, first inversion major, etc.).

Imagine how the world might be if we could combine some of our senses. Maybe we could use the ability in some practical, non-geeky ways. We might be able to hear upset facial expressions. Or we might see red when we hear a bit of stress in a friend's voice, but see yellow when we hear our same friend speak with conviction. Or something. But, then again, do we really need extra senses to be attuned to the people around us in the world? Or are the senses we have sufficient?

Wikipedia has a good description of synaesthesia here. And the article even includes lots of fun tidbits, such as the relation of synaesthesia to written language (for you linguistics nerds), how synaesthesia has influenced the music of various composers, and some first-person accounts of this strange condition.

A mark for wisdom

It can be really hard for me to talk with people about the ups and downs I experience in grad school, mostly because I tend towards internalizing academic stuff (except for corny math jokes, as you all know). The few people I do talk with in-depth about some of my experiences are much older and wiser than I am. On Tuesday I emailed one of these people and decided to (for once) rant a bit about some encouraging and happy academic news that happened recently. Here’s the reply I received:

The emotions that you feel are typical of any long-term project. Sometimes you wonder if you're ever going to get to the end of a project. Along the way there are sometimes glimmers of hope.

Take raising kids, for an example of an 18-year long (or longer!) project. For the most part you are correcting their mistakes and wondering if they'll ever grow up. Sometimes they do things that (pleasantly) surprise you, however. When they make it to adulthood you usually are pleased with the outcome.

I don’t think I’ve ever thought about the parallels between grad school and raising children. Personally, I get a kick out of the phrase “glimmers of hope,” because I really think that it hits the nail on the head (at least for grad school). The optimistic side of me thinks that working towards long-term goals is a very good thing, and that I should just expect to experience setbacks occasionally so that I don’t get too hung up on them emotionally when they occur. The more cynical side of me thinks that if raising kids is like going through grad school, I should definitely remain single. :)